8:15 (Ugh)
It lingers on the edge of pleasure and pain...its delay unnerves and excites you at the same time...it’s your snooze alarm, and until now it has been vastly under appreciated. This year, and more specifically this Wednesday the 25th, marks the 48th anniversary of the snooze alarm clock. Yes, that troubled sound, that chime of intent is still in its infancy when placed against the history of the clock itself, which dates to around 1620. Children in all elementary schools have been taught that the idea of the clock may have dated back to ancient Greek civilizations, which used sun dials to tell time. This is a misnomer. The Ancient Greeks and Romans used a “Sun-Dial,” while today’s person uses a “Clock.” Regardless, people all over the country (and maybe even the world were The Oberlin Review to have an international section) will be celebrating this magical day when the first snooze alarm clocks appeared on our soul-eating-evil capitalist market.

8:25 (Ugh)
The Oberlin Review is here to help educate you and introduce you to some of the common ways of celebrating Wonderment of Alarms Koolment da(E)y, or W.A.K.E. UP, the festival that occurs every February 25th. This festival includesbut is not limited tomaypoles, Bert and Ernie, one grown ox and the sacrificing of a male politician using a chosen alarm clock. There is no order to the festival per se, but it is widely rumored that one should stay as far away from the ox as possible. To understand these events better, one should know the historical context in which these festivals occurred.

8:35 (UGH)
Although the snooze alarm clock we know of today began in the 20th century, historians have found evidence of a type of snooze alarm clock predating Stonehenge in both Peru and the land now known as Kazakhstan. Archaeological expeditions have uncovered indigenous bedrooms with pebble-filled clay pots hanging tentatively over the sleeping area. Similar pebble-filled clay pots were also found in Ireland postdating Stonehenge, and then again in Vienna for absolutely no reason around 1868 (Scientists are still trying to determine their relevance vis a vis Freud and Austria-Hungary’s love of cocaine).

8:45 (What was I thinking? I don’t have to get up yet.)
“Fast-Forward” to 1870, when the first bedside alarm clock was introduced in the United States. Since then, waking up has never been the same. [Laugh track] But it wasn’t until 1956, when Lew Wallace, author of Ben-Hur and believer in mediocrity, decidedly put an end to the singularity of the alarm. It’s interesting to note that the snooze alarm clock was banned by the Nazis in occupied Europe. That’s interesting, considering WWII had been over for about a decade. Later the snooze aspect of the alarm clock was also banned in Stalinist Russia for its association with the bourgeoisie... and because each family was allowed only one alarm ring per week during the Five Year Plan.

8:55 (Huh? What time is it?)
Yet, even against these odds the snooze has survived, almost instinctively, in the United States, where it has enjoyed widespread enjoyment. And if not enjoyment, then the delay of enjoyment. Or the delay of work. Which is the delay of enjoyment. But the delay of enjoyment can only be delayed for so long before the people rise up and demand their right to the delayment of work. Or so the legend goes. And the history of W.A.K.E. UP truly is a legend. In no way is it rooted in fact. Not one ounce. The “story” has more holes than this article.

9:05 (Oh, S***! SONOFA...! I’m late!)
So this Wednesday the 25th, when you are waking up for classes or work or watering of plants, don’t just hit your alarm clock. Caress it. Name it. Thank it. And it will thank you in the best way it knows how: by giving you ten more minutes of tranquil peace before the pain sets in all over again. And then be sure to slap the living hell out of it.