You may not know it from the way some of our colleagues loaf around A-level, but as men and women in our late teens and early twenties, we are approaching what is widely regarded as our “prime.” Whether it’s meant in a physical or psychological sense, the neurotic superego of the popular media assumes that we are a bunch of freewheelers, lustily overflowing with youthful potential. If you look around, it appears that some of us here at Oberlin are heavily invested in embodying this saucy ideal.

In the spirit of “you gotta walk it like you talk it,” I ask you this: how do we know the rock ’n’ roll art students, the righteous before-class smokers, the eternally hung-over back-row nappers, how do we know they’re not secret cottage-cheese eaters and closet juice-box enthusiasts? I never thought I’d deploy this hateful cliche in this column, but it does relate to my point: “You are what you eat, schoolmates.”

Here is a brief quiz, meant as a diagnostic tool for all of us concerned with making our sweaty young readiness manifest in our daily lives. It’s hard to be fast, cheap and out of control when you eat like a grandmother. I would wager my housemate’s white leather party chaps that Mick Jagger does not eat wrap sandwiches and that Lil’ Kim does not get caught eating Mott’s applesauce out of those little plastic cups. If you were rock ’n’ roll, neither would you. Herein you can tally mathematically how rock ’n’ roll you really are.

1.Last week I bumped into my crush in the mailroom and I offered him/her some of my...
a) French Onion-flavored Sun Chips
b) Gummi worms and a sip of my Milk Chugg
c) Wasabi peas

2. When I am sick in bed, I like it when my friends bring me...
a) Ginger Yogi Tea (they have such moving little quotes on the teabags!), zinc tablets and little boxes of raisins.
b) A tumbler of warm Jack Daniel’s, a Liptons cup-a-soup and a clean ashtray.
c) Cream of Wheat and grape Popsicles.

3.My favorite condiment is...
a) Spices and stuff are yucky.
b) Sri Racha hotsauce (available in squeeze bottles in Dascomb).
c) Sea salt from the French saltworks on the Isle of Re

4. Yesterday for dinner at Stevenson I ate...
a) The vegetarian option, especially if it included the totally awesome squash. And since I was feeling a little jacked after that pop quiz in econ, I had an insanely decadent cup of soft-serve.
b) Nothing, because my friend and I got so caught up in her story about how last night she had the best sex of her life that we didn’t even get a chance to chew. I had to wrap my sandwich in a napkin and carry it out to eat later, during my radio show.
c) Plain spaghetti (it’s so awesome how you can put whatever you want on your spaghetti there!), a chicken patty with yellow mustard, five cookies (yessssss!), a glass of pink lemonade and a glass of Orange Crush. There are some things about college you really can’t tell Mom!

5. My favorite place to get a snack downtown is...
a) The Cafe at Oberlin Music – incomparable pastries.
b) Downtown Pizza – anywhere where you can play Lady Pacman while you eat definitely has the right idea.
c) The Feve has tater tots for a dollar, which go well with beer.

HOW TO SCORE: 1. a) 2, b) 1, c) 3
2. a) 2, b) 3, c) 1
3. a) 1, b) 3, c) 2
4. a) 2, b) 3, c) 1
5. a) 2, b) 1, c) 3

If your final score is:

5-8: MUPPETS GREATEST HITS is your favorite album.
You may have gotten into college because you’re really smart, and you may even have some moves stashed away for a rainy-day dance party, but you are basically a bit of a five-year-old.
9-12: JOHN TESH LIVE AT RED ROCKS is no stranger to your headphones.
You enjoy the finer things, which is not inherently unhip, but when your friends are drinking Rossi and you start in on the difference between Sonoma and Napa grapes, it’s time to start acting your age, not your phone number.
13-15: APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION was your jam in middle school.
You bring the rock to even the most banal of College dining situations. You scoff at nutrition because you are immortal and you are in love.