Kiel Rohrbacher, Joe Dehondt and R.J. Parker

D: So what all are we allowed to talk about?

Well, technically we shouldn’t talk a lot about drugs, sex or alcohol. But something tells me despite my best efforts that isn’t going to happen.

KR: Good, so we can make fun of Adam all we want.

Yeah, it’s too bad we lost Adam there, he wussed out.

D: Now come on, CHEM 050 is a tough class and he has a test tomorrow.
KR: But he didn’t have any classes today, that’s the thing, what did he do today?
D: He watched some great movies…Black Knight, UHF and some other movie with Alicia Silverstone.
KR: He played 18 holes of Tiger Woods [video game].
RJ: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Back to the subject at hand, R.J. What position do you play?

RJ: I did play nose guard.
KR: “Did,” big “did.”
RJ: Now I’m just going to be a porn star, don’t think I need collegiate football for that.
KR: No, just a monster dong.
RJ: Lord knows if I had a nickel for every time I heard that…I’d probably be flat broke like I am right now. When you have to borrow money to drink quarter beers, you’ve hit rock bottom.
KR: I think that this semester I’ve spent like $30 in quarter beers.

Do you realize that’s 120 beers?

KR: Hey, beer is different, OK? Gawd, 120 beers, I thought it would have been higher than that. That doesn’t sound like a lot.

Yeah, you guys are screwed.

RJ: I’m out after the semester.
KR: And I’m graduating.
D: I guess I’m the only one staying.

Okay, Kiel, you’re an athletic trainer, which team requires the most tender loving care?

KR: Don’t make me answer that.
D: Answer it.
KR: No.

What happened to “I’m graduating?”

KR: I still gotta deal with them.
D: That means that it’s a spring sport.
KR: Cross country runs through everything.
D: How do you get hurt doing cross country?
KR: You could pull a muscle. We did have a golfer in the other day.
RJ: You had a golfer in? What did he have, tendonitis?
KR: I didn’t really think you could be hurt in golf, but I guess I was wrong.
RJ: There’s a lot of risk factors involved, ya know, you gotta worry about your stroke.
KR: I mean, driving around the course in a golf cart, next thing you know the golf cart’s up the stairs sitting on the bleachers.
D: Once I was playing putt-putt golf and my friend hit me in the head with a club.
KR: That explains so, so much.
RJ: But of course it didn’t hurt Dobber because he was never allowed to use anything, it was rubber, rubber everything.

I spray Axe at them.

RJ: Oh, Axe, that’s God’s gift to men right there.

Hell yeah it is, women love it and it’s cheap as hell.

KR: Man, that stuff, God, that’s strong.
D: Yeah, but it beats taking a shower.
RJ: Why do you think I have stock in Febreeze?
KR: I should just get one of those hot dog bikes and just sell it around college campus.
D: I don’t think it would sell.

All right, Kiel, how did you get a job as an athletic trainer?

KR: I had a sign up on the highway saying “Will do sports work for food” and look where it got me now. By the way, a little plug here, any males that want to be an athletic trainer for next year, please contact the athletic trainers.

Why only males?

KR: We need someone to cover football, they need to be able to go in the men’s locker room. Basically we need my replacement.

You need a new team bitch [as referred to by himself earlier in the evening in reference to what his job is]?

KR: Hey.
D: Yes, that’s exactly what we’re looking for.
RJ: Are you going to put that on your resume? “Previously Oberlin College Football Team Bitch.”
KR: That is so wrong.
D: That is good, we’re leaving that.
RJ: Yeah, but sometimes being wrong never felt so right.

Dobber, how’s the team going to be next year?

D: We’re gonna be good, we have a lot of good returning players. And hopefully we’ll get some good recruits in.

RJ, where are you going after this semester?

RJ: Ohio University.
KR: Bobcat!
RJ: Party Central!
KR: Daylight Savings Time…they party for Daylight Savings Time.

They party for Daylight Savings Time? Interesting, here we party for International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

KR: Hey, we’re in the pirate Exco.

There’s a pirate ExCo?

D: That’s a hell of a class.
KR: Yeah, there’s a pirate Exco.
D: Yeah, how many pirate classes are there going to be at OU?
RJ: I’ll make one!
D: You can’t do that there!

Are you going to play football there?

RJ: No, I’m playing rugby there.
KR: Nothing against you, RJ, but you’re this big. Sure it’s MAC, but it’s D-I.
RJ: Hey, you wanna’ play rugby against me, I’ll rip your fucking face off with my toenails.

OK, for the love of God and my job — any final words?

KR: Job? You have a job?
RJ: So you mean you’re getting paid for this.

Barely, I deserve a raise…

RJ: You need a raise five dollars on the hour.
KR: All the mushed up tofu you can eat, that’s your raise.
RJ: Hey, it’s a science experiment, piss off.
KR: I could go back to the classic Adam Miller comment, but I don’t think I should.