Writing this column can truly be taxing. This morning I awoke buoyant with anticipation for what I would have to write today; I have long been looking forward to a time when milkshakes would be a weather-appropriate topic. Awesomely as ever, it was totally snowing today and I had five milkshakes to sample before the day was out. None of the boys could come to the yard to see my milkshake because it was freezing cold.

Now, milkshakes are utterly delightful, but they survive solely via symbiosis with the weather. The potency of a sunny day is greatly augmented by a milkshake, and the milkshake, as an idea, has its moment of genesis during the appreciation of warm weather. But today I gazed out at the snow from the windows of five different milkshake purveyors, gamely making fishfaces at the passersby while slurping through oversized straws.

Gibson’s was the first stop on the milkshake train. With all due respect, and Lord knows all respect is due to Mr. and Mrs., but the layout of Gibson’s is so inconvenient that sometimes all it takes is five minutes waiting in line before a person (me) starts to go stir-crazy. What might seem like charming disarray to a prospie’s northeastern bougie parents is really a living nightmare of stunted service. So only get a milkshake at Gibson’s if you are in no hurry for anything and you love standing around wondering what the hell is going on.

A medium shake is $2.29, the second cheapest in town after Rax. The consistency of Gibson’s shakes is excellent; they give you a spoon in case you can’t get enough suction going with the straw. Although the quality of the ice cream is relatively high, the chocolate shake was negligibly chocolate-flavored. If you’d handed me that shake in a dark room I’d have thought it was vanilla.

Not so down on the south side; Yesterday’s Ice Cream Shoppe has a clean interior and a rich variety of flavors. One of my cohorts on this frosted dairy binge was my friend Martin, who threw down the remix and ordered a malted ($2.50 for a medium) made with coconut chocolate almond ice cream. Ordering a malted was a risk, especially since the amount of malt mixed in is often either too much (too sweet) or not enough (still a milkshake).

Fortunately, the YICS staff members are virtuosos of the malted. If anything, Martin thought it was a little sweet, but I’d chock that up to his scrupulously refined palate. “If you got a large of this, you’d feel sick,” he mused, scooping some of the almond chunks out of the bottom of the cup.

At the Java Zone, you have to brave the acrid atmosphere but it’s worth it for the secret JZ treat, introduced to me by one Jamie Taylor. Order a vanilla shake with a bit of chocolate syrup and a shot of espresso. It’s perfect and it’s a study aid. It’s almost three bucks if I remember correctly, but for the best milkshake in town, it’s worth it.

If you’re one of those people who is really into talking about how awesome Rax is with a kind of enthusiasm that only exists when people are being stumblingly ironic, I cannot abide. Because their milkshakes are, quite simply, undelicious. Granted, the chocolate chip shake contains the pleasant addition of whipped cream and a sprinkling of chocolate chips, but the ice cream is of low quality and leaves an alarming aftertaste not unlike the way Febreze smells. Being the cheapest in town ($1.39) is a bonus and, like pizza to a drunk person, no milkshake is too bad to pass up. But stop it with the condescending Rax cheerleading — it’s closing soon anyway.

Last in the lineup is Miller’s ice cream stand, which you come to if you leave town going West on 511 and make a couple of turns that I can’t describe because of the lack of distinguishing characteristics in the landscape. Miller’s makes its own ice cream, they have a huge number of flavors and they also serve hot dogs and the like, making it a full-on destination for fun. Located in a bucolic setting with a few picnic tables next to the gravel parking lot, Miller’s is the all-around favorite. Their shakes are thick and sweet and achingly nostalgic, like a good milkshake should be.