Physical disabilities and dating - ever really thought about it?

You've known him for a while. Many of the things he does and says makes you believe that he is a very nice guy. He's smart, funny, and just generally cares a lot about people. He would do almost anything for you if you just ask. He pays attention to you. He's considerate, understanding, and is a great listener. You know he really cares. You think he is very handsome and you know he is attracted to you. All the signs say that you and he could successfully date - all the signs except for the fact that he is disabled and confined to a wheelchair. You're confused and don't know how to handle the situation. What should you do? How should you react? What should you say?

While the above "you" may have never been you, the fact remains that situations such as the one formerly mentioned do take place. Even though people may know in their minds that a disability should not be an issue, it is often an issue nonetheless. Yes, it cannot be denied that some people may naturally have the ability to overlook a disability and focus on the person more than the appearance. However, many people would and do have difficulty coping with such a situation. In many instances, people are willing to talk to someone in a wheelchair, but rarely do they feel comfortable in asking why the person is in the wheelchair, what being disabled is all about. Furthermore, there often seems to be an invisable wall that allows someone to friendly with a disabled individual but nothing more.

Through much of my life, I have tried to live without focusing on my disabling condition. While I continue to maintain this attitude, I am coming to realize that in certain situations - dating for example - the fact that I am disabled is important and should be discussed. In my opinion, openly discussing the physical aspects - limitations and capabilities - that I posses is a necessary part of moving a friendship into a comfortable dating situation. If these issues are never discussed, both involved parties can never know how to act or react when or if a physical situations emerges. Generally then, the fact remains that no matter how you look at it, physical attraction and understanding are important part of dating even for disabled individuals.

In my opinion, even people who, in theory, have a vast understanding and awareness of the issues affecting disabled individuals, cannot be expected to immediately put uncomfortable feelings aside. Generally speaking, to understand disability in one's mind does not always mean that, when confronted with the prospect of dating for example, theory directly leads to practice. Most disabled people probably never expect others to feel immediately comfortable about the prospect of dating. Thus, I think it is simply human nature for people to feel at least slightly uncomfortable when thinking about being intimate with a person who does not closely "match" the certain physical "norms" seen in most people. Therefore, since the practice of dating and forming relationships relies on physical as well as personality attributes, it is completely understandable that the presence of a disability has a significant influence on dating.

For many people, the thought of making one's disability an issue when they know that there should be no such issue is embarrassing. However, in my opinion there is no need to feel embarrassed about these thoughts. Disability does make a dating situation much more complicated - this cannot be denied. Let us examine the issue of a kiss for example. While this may not be complicated for some physically disabled individuals, it is a "problem" for others. For those who must overcome the normal anxiety of initiating a kiss and the added complexity of a disability, this action can be quite awkward. Instead of just "letting things happen" the disabled individual must often ask to be kissed. Unless this person is amazingly confident, asking is difficult and actuating is even more of a dilemma. It is for these reasons that both individuals need to discuss the possible situations, such as a kiss, that may develop and how these situations could be handled. As one can tell, communication can make an uncomfortable situation not so much of problem.

In addition to non-disabled individuals allowing for open-lines of communication, disabled people need to help in the creation of an environment where such open discussion can successfully take place. While this may be quite difficult and uncomfortable for some individuals, I feel that it is a crucial part of moving friendships to other levels. Disabled people must not only have the ability to discuss there disabilities with other but need to have the "guts" to initiate a conversation with someone else about their disability. While some may argue that such an initiation would likely cause others to focus on the disability, I would disagree. While it is true that people should not focus on disability, trying to avoid the issue altogether is problematic in the sense that it does not allow for understanding. Overall then, it is better to discuss the disability so as to ultimatley make it a non-issue than ovoid talking about the reality of the situation. When the non-disabled person sees that it is o.k. to discuss physical issues with the disabled individual, the uncomfortable feeling will likely subside.

Discussions of dating and disability, while common in disabled communities, receives relatively little attention from the rest of the world. This is a problem. For example, Oberlin College, a place which in theory prides itself for discussing issues not always discussed in "main-stream" America often fails, accept for SOBIE, to discuss many disability issues. It has always been amazing to me that the early year tradition of "Sex at 7," which tries to show many different dating-related scenarios, has never developed a situation where a physically disabled individual wants to date a disabled or non-disabled student or the opposite. Adding such a situation to "Sex at 7" in the future may be a good idea even if no specific wheelchair bound individual is attending the school. This may help people become aware and understand some of the issues involved in dating for disabled individuals.

Dating for the disabled people is a reality and should not be "pushed under the mat" because of its uncomfortable nature. For people to become "involved" with individuals having disabilities, risks must be taken on both sides. These risks essentially stem from fear of the unknown. However, when the "unknown" becomes "known" people tend to relax. I am optimistic that people, when placed in a comfortable environment, can behave with great levels of maturity.

This commentary has not been intended to "change the world." I do however hope that more people are aware of the issues facing disabled people and the prospect of dating. If any readers have questions, comments, or concerns I can be contacted.