Baseball Players Give us a Lot to Laugh About

Professional football provides us with the homicidal maniacs, boxing has all of the cannibals, basketball contributes illegitimate children and hockey throws in a bunch of psychos, but baseball just gives us a considerable number of idiots.

Former Seattle Mariner Alex Rodriguez just signed the most expensive contract in all of sports history with the Texas Rangers and Manny Ramirez signed a huge contract with the Boston Red Sox. The amount of money they are going to make is just ridiculous, but I'm beyond the point of wanting to go into it.

Rather than going off about why no athlete should make that much money, I would rather just present a few examples of the biggest dumbasses in sports. And in recent history, they have been primarily baseball players.

I just ate, so I don't want to talk about Mike Tyson. For the same reason I don't want to talk about O.J. Simpson, or any other blood thirsty football player. In the spirit of Larry Dolan, the owner of the Cleveland Indians, who will come to Oberlin to speak of the controversy surrounding the team's "Chief Wahoo" mascot, I will focus my attention on professional baseball. In fact, three of the baseball players on this list played or do play for the Cleveland Indians. Wahoo!

Let me say first of all that I love baseball, have always played it, and play at Oberlin as a Yeoballa'. But it's finals time, and I'm in a bad mood and sleep-deprived. I'd rather be living in a van down by the Cleveland river than at Oberlin right now, taking my finals. Well, no, because the river would probably catch on fire or something.

However, for the few who take a break from their studying to look at the sports section, I hope that this list will help you come to your own conclusions as to why for professional athletes, and even some coaches, paychecks need to be lowered.

#1: Albert "I mow down poor innocent children" Belle:

Belle, who currently plays right-field for the Baltimore Orioles and has previously played for the Cleveland Indians and Chicago White Sox, is a perfect example of how professional athletes don't need the money they make. In fact, if Belle was just a normal citizen and didn't play baseball he would most likely be in a jail now. In his early days he was called "Joey" Belle - a rather innocent sounding name. But his evil counterpart Albert has done enough in his playing days already to put Joey out of history.

It was a chilly Halloween night at Belle's home in Cleveland, and a few local teenage trick-or-treaters approached his property in hopes of getting some huge candy bars - maybe even an autograph. All they got out of the deal was a "bah-hum-bub" as Belle chased them off of his property with his sports utility vehicle.

In his past Belle has also thrown a baseball at a Sports Illustrated reporter he didn't like and been caught corking a bat to improve the distance of his home run swing. Who says that money doesn't get to your head?

#2: Darryl "Nosebleed" Strawberry:

Okay, drug addiction is a disease and in a way, I feel bad for the dude. I am sure there aren't many things that are harder than getting over an addiction such as his. But talk about someone who has blown chances. You can't even count the number of times Darryl Strawberry has flirted with danger in his career and life. His former teammate from the New York Mets, Dwight Gooden, had the same problem he has and been able to make it back to baseball. Drugs have now cut Strawberry's career short and ruined his life. He has had numerous chances to clean up his act and be a big contributor in the New York Yankees' lineup, but he blew them all. Baseball has the dopers. Party foul on you, Darryl.

#3: Jose "I can't see the ball coming right at my head" Canseco:

I can't think of a more appropriate person than Jose Canseco for it to happen to. When he let a fly ball bounce off his head and over the fence for a home run against the Cleveland Indians a few years ago, Canseco insured himself a spot in the highlight reels as having made one of the dumbest plays in sports history. He should have been fired right there on the spot.

#4: Roberto "Spit" Alomar and Carl "Head-butt" Everett:

Have you ever heard the saying ิthe umpire is always right?' Take Roberto Alomar and Carl Everett. Both are great baseball players and make millions of dollars, but what they have in ability they lack in role model potential. When he was with the Baltimore Orioles, Alomar was suspended for spitting in the face of umpire John Hirschback after arguing a call. This past year, Everett head-butted an umpire due to a similar conflict after a called third strike. If you are rich as hell, are playing the game you love, and are one of the best players in the game, what's a little called third strike going to hurt you? C'mon guys.

#5: Pete "I bet I'll get five hits today" Rose:

Once again, this guy had a serious problem. Gambling can be a severe addiction, but Pete, why would you bet on your own sport? That's what they have horses for.

#6: Manny "Foul Ball" Ramirez:

Boston, you can have him. He's a disaster waiting to happen. He is also one of the most retarded baseball players to ever step foot on the field. After stealing a base last year, the shortstop from the other team told him that the ball was foul. So, as the smart one he is, he got up and started walking back to first base and was tagged out. That play doesn't even work in Little League.

#7: "The Atlanta Beaters" - Chipper Jones and Manager Bobby Cox:

Chipper Jones and Bobby Cox are perhaps the biggest disgraces of all to the game of baseball. Atlanta always has competitive teams and Chipper Jones has already had an outstanding career at a young age. But you know there's a problem when the joke of the day is for "Bobby Cox's wife to hide before he gets home because they lost tonight." That's not even funny. These two guys have been caught abusing their wives on numerous occasions but are still prominent figures in the game of baseball.

#8: Paul "Cry Baby" O'Neil:

Someone needs to tell this guy to chill out! I have never seen an athlete, at any level of play, pout more than Paul O'Neil. His team has won back-to-back World Series titles and he makes a few million bucks too. I really worry that he will never learn calm down and the constantly bulging vein on his forehead is going to collapse like Darryl Strawberry's.

#9: John "Redneck" Rocker:

Yes, the best always get saved for last. John Rocker, who is probably the biggest racist and bigot in professional sports, doesn't even deserve to be talked about any more. John, I really don't like you.