What Would Nina Do?

Dear Nina,
I have a problem. I recently discovered that I am listed in the A-level girl’s bathroom as the 18th guy on the “hottest men at Oberlin” list. Because of this, my entire life has drastically changed: now I have too many dates for my hot little body to handle, and my walk has dramatically changed into what can only be described as a “strut.”
Often I find myself referring to yours truly in the third person as the “the man” or “the miggity man” or even the “miggity miggity man.” I’m certainly living “la vida loca,” but I feel some tension in Ministry (a.k.a. the House of Dong), and with the Obertones. I mean, I always knew I was hot, can I help it if people are jealous?

Love,
Martin P. Mellman

Dear Martin Mellman,
If, as you say, you are being sweated like a morbidly obese man in a sauna, then more power to you. However, I think that this “question” is nothing but a ploy to further increase your fame and game in the A-level mating arena.
It has been an Oberlin tradition these years past to get your friends of the opposite sex to put you on the list for that respective bathroom. If, as you claim, you have had a significant increase in attention from the opposite sex, it is probably because you have been hanging out with drunk girls or because you are standing next to a friend of yours who is hotter than you.
I would suggest that you retreat to your Cave of Dong and ask yourself why you are number 18 on the hottest guy list, as any fool can see that there are exactly 7 1/4 hot guys at Uberloin. Sorry to “burst your bubble.”
—Nina

Dearest Nina,
I have been hanging out with a group of kids that I met at orientation this year. They are cool and all, and we have fun sometimes when we go to parties, but they are totally the kind of kids that I never would have hung out with back in high school. We really have nothing in common other than that we were all insecure and in the same hallway at the beginning of this year.
I have met some kind of cool kids that I have more in common with recently. It looks like we will become friends, but all of my “dorm friends” have been wanting to hang out with me and complaining because we don’t always eat dinner together. Should I try to break things off with my friends now or wait until I am sure that the people I just met will not ditch me after I have burned all my bridges?

—Frederick Freshman

Dear Freddy,
I can sympathize. I had to climb many a social ladder to get this column, you know. And it didn’t happen through politeness.
I can’t assure you, but I would be willing to bet on a game of “Sorry” that everyone hanging around you thinks they could be somewhere with more VIP status, too. You are all a bunch of a-holes who will fuck each other in the end, so you might as well get it over with now.
It is perfectly natural to make pretend friends at this point, but the semester is coming to a close, and it is time to secure that second semester will bring a cooler scene your way. I warn you, though, you may not be as hip as you imagine. Wouldn’t it be funny if senior year rolled around and you were the outcast, your sub-par friends having proven A-level rockstars?
You may have noticed that at Oberlin there is a lot of clout given to kids who are so intellectual it hurts. Ay, there’s the rub: geek-chic wins in the end. So watch out. You may think they suck for wearing mesh baseball caps now, but they will rule you some day.

—Nina