Socialists’ Capitalism

To the Editors:

So there I was emerging from the library, quietly admiring the potential Mudd holds to be converted into a military base should Britain ever decide they want to recolonize (which they will once their tea mines run dry) when out of nowhere a Socialist approached me.
“Hi,” he said and I responded with a girlish yelp, “How are you doing today?”
“Uh-”
“Great. Would you like to take a look at our newspaper?” he inquired with a hard working, proletariat smirk, “It logically explains how the United States has done everything wrong since the Industrial Revolution.”
“Well I-”
He started flipping through the pages, “This article points out that red is at the extreme of the color spectrum therefore the Red Party is extremely good.”
“But isn’t blue also an extreme?”
“Yeah, sure, whatever. So how about it? You want a paper?” he asked thrusting one toward my hand.
“I guess,” I answered, “Socialism has its good points. I wouldn’t mind learning more about it.”
“Great,” the little-Lenin said in a voice comparable to Bill Lumberg’s in Office Space, “That’ll be a dollar.”
“A dollar? You’re selling me this paper?”
“Yes. One dollar, please.”
“You’re... you’re trying to sell this? But you’re a socialist. Isn’t that the last thing you should be doing?”
“But look what a fine paper it is. There are color pictures and really long articles. We just need the money to cover printing costs.”
“Color pictures? Couldn’t you just take out the colored pictures since they’re really just eye candy to attract consumers and increase sales?” I said as if I knew what I was talking about, “That just seems very... commercial.”
“Well, uh... look, buddy,” his smug smirk was gone, “You’re not gonna write a stupid editorial about this, are you?”
Long story, short: As I grabbed the back of his Gap undies and gave him a wedgie for good old Adam Smith, I felt an invisible hand pat me on the back as if to say, “Telemarketers and big evil corporations are one thing, but at least you know you won’t have to be badgered by that Socialist anymore.”

–Mike Connor
College sophomore