Dean Goldsmith Shares View of Men and Sexual Violence

To the Editor:

It should not be difficult for a man to imagine himself as an opponent of sexual violence. After all, the majority of men are not perpetrators of sexual violence. Yes, it is true that any man could be a rapist, but he could be any of a million other marvelous or horrible things. It is far easier to imagine oneself within a healthy majority which approaches women and sex respectfully, rather than in a minority which perpetrates violence.
However for men to become genuine opponents of sexual violence, they must develop their powers of empathy and learn to listen very well. To begin with, men ought to actively challenge language that supports the idea that sex is a trophy that one wins from of a woman by guile or trickery. “D’ja get any?” This is a version of sex that confirms the masculinity of insecure men and turns women into sexual objects. Sadly, men in the U.S. are socialized to the idea that sex is something which women “have” and which they must “get.” It is an idea that endangers women and that diminishes the humanity of men. We can find far better ways of thinking about this.
There are at least three progressively enlightened ways in which men might be encouraged to feel invested in eradicating sexual violence. At the most basic level, predicated entirely on concern for self, men should care about sexual assault because they can get into terrible trouble if they don’t. After murder, there may no more monstrous a crime than rape, and men convicted of rape can face dreadful, life-altering consequences.
A somewhat more thoughtful man might wish to put an end to sexual assault because the person being assaulted may one day be his sister, or mother, or partner. This is a kind of self-interest that has been modestly extended to include a narrowly-defined version of “us,” “my folk.”
I hope that men might be pressed to see a still larger picture and care about putting an end to sexual violence out of a sense of the common humanity with every potential victim/survivor of sexual assault. Sexual violence against one person diminishes the humanity of everyone. If we hate other human beings enough to treat them as objects, there is probably something in our own humanity that we hate. Conversely it requires acceptance of one’s own humanity to be open to and deserving of the mutuality of fully consensual sex.
Sex that includes an element of coercion does not always constitute sexual violence, but it does undermine the life-affirming pleasure that ought to be the goal of fully realized adult sexuality. Seduction, for example, is a game that two people can play with total mutuality, but it can also be used manipulatively by one person against another. While like alcohol, seduction can play either a positive or a negative role in sexual behavior, when abused, seduction and alcohol obscure another person’s will and desire and immeasurably compromise consent.
Men need to understand that two people, even two people in love (or in lust), do not necessarily want the same things. It can be disappointing to go without something that your body seems to be telling you that you “need.” But unfulfilled sexual desire has never been fatal nor for that matter caused injury (that thing you heard is a myth).
People can also change their minds about what they want, even as they appear to be pursuing it. It is important that individuals signal to one another their wishes and desires, and one cannot expect one’s sexual partner to be telepathic. But men do have a special responsibility to pay attention and to develop an appreciation for the signals in whatever form they come.
Sex among consenting adults is private behavior, and no institution or agency should presume to have any authority over it. Violence, on the other hand, must be a societal concern. Since an act of sexual intimacy can so quickly become an act of violence, the dangers for women, men, and their community are powerful and present.
Sex has been pathologized for too long; there is already far too much anxiety around sex for young adults and neither men nor women should be paralyzed out of fear that their behavior will be misunderstood. As long as men recognize their own humanity in the eyes of their partner, they will be able to understand the difference between an act of violence and an act of love.


–Peter Goldsmith
Dean of Students

April 5
April 12

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