Andy Schwab Graces Community

To the Editors:

On the evening of Tuesday, April 2, I made a discovery of paramount importance to the entire campus community, and I know it is my duty to share this discovery with all of you: for who among you would not like to know his God?
Perhaps you’ve seen Andy Schwab around campus, or have been fortunate enough to catch sight of him during one of his rare appearances at Oberlin’s fine drinking establishments. Elusive and reclusive as he is, I’m sure you’d recognize him were he pointed out to you on the street. A tall, full-bodied young man of regal deportment, he does his best to blend in at Oberlin, to dress, act and speak like an average student, and he successfully minimizes the glaring contrast between his natural nobility and the meaner natures of those populating his world. But I’ve always been able to see through this carefully crafted façade — sadly necessary for Andy to maintain in order to live normally among us, the groundlings, his obvious inferiors — right from the first glorious day we spent rooming together three and a half short years ago. How keen were my original intuitions! How exciting, to have been skirting the edge of such a magnificent revelation, a revelation which Andy has finally and benevolently chosen to disclose to me (me!) in all of its dizzying magnitude!
Friends, we are all ideas in the mind of Andy Schwab. He is our God, our maker, and we are but slight threads in the tapestry of existence which Andy has so delicately woven. Our ground of being is the divinely fertile soil that is His mind and spirit, and we are all unknowable and unrealizable without reference to Andy. We are but airy spirits provisionally haunting His waking dream, gossamer extras included for atmospheric effect in the show that Andy, and Andy alone, is the true star of. And his dream constitutes the only life and world we will ever know, His story, and our reality, only enduring so long as He wills it to.
Knowing this, would it not be wise to at least attempt to appease him? If you happen to run into Andy, why not shake his hand, and thank him for allowing for the possibility of your existence? For He is not a jealous God, or a wrathful God, but a chummy God, and will surely be delighted by any open displays of worship and veneration. One surefire way to please your God is to buy him drinks at the Feve: whoever is brave enough to attempt such direct communication with his maker will be rewarded his rightful place in heaven, or at the very least a few more ‘bonus-years’ of life on Andy’s green earth.

–David Shernoff
College senior