(Elaborate lights up on a game show set. Millionaire-esque hype music plays. Two contestant podiums stand stage-right-ish, the announcer podium stands stage-left-ish, all facing the audience. Behind the contestant podiums stand Hannah Montana and a Giant Gorilla, pumping their arms for the crowd. Behind the announce podium stands the Announcer. There is loud applause that can be heard along with the music, both die down as the Announcer begins to speak. Liberal use of Millionaire-esque sound effects should be used throughout the sequence.)

Announcer: All right, now, Hannah, that’s three questions you’ve gotten right in a row, let’s see if you can make it to four. Your categories are movies, sports, and American history.

Hannah Montana: Sports!

Announcer: OK! Here’s Sports for fifty points: Who did the Pittsburgh Steelers defeat in this year’s Super Bowl?

Hannah Montana: (thinks for only a moment) The Arizona Cardinals!

Announcer: Aaaaaaand that’s right! (cheers) You’ve got it Hannah, and that’ll make four for four, meaning you get to pick a prize out of the Prize Palace! What’ll it be?

(showcase music, lights change)

Hannah Montana: (pointing into the audience, as if they were the Prize Palace) Oh, um, well I really like the sandals, oh and a spa getaway would be really nice, oh well... oh, I don’t know those shoes are cuuuute!

Giant Gorilla: AGGGGHHHHH (beats chest)

Announcer: Uhhhp! It sounds like the Giant Gorilla is getting impatient!

Hannah Montana: OK, OK, I’m gonna go with the shoes, the strappy ones, in the middle.

Announcer: The pink ones.

Hannah Montana: Yeah, the shiny ones.

Announcer: They’re yours!

(cheers, lights change, showcase music ends when bell rings)

Announcer: And that sound means we’re beginning Round IV, which means this first question can go to anyone — fingers on your buzzers, contestants. It’s still your category to pick, Hannah. Movies, the Media, or Music?

Hannah Montana: Oh, you know I’ll have to go with Music, Regis.

Announcer: Music! For a hundred points — who is responsible for more top ten records on the Billboard charts than any other recording artist in history?

(both buzzers ring, but Giant Gorilla’s buzzer is first)

Giant Gorilla: THE ROLLING STONES

Announcer: That’s right!

(cheers)

Giant Gorilla: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Hannah Montana: Damnit!

Announcer: Hey, what happened there, Hannah — that was supposed to be your category?

Hannah Montana: (sighing) I dropped the ball, Regis.

Announcer: Let’s talk about it.

Hannah Montana: About what?

Announcer: Well, something’s been wrong, hasn’t it?

Hannah Montana: I guess the last couple weeks have been kinda rough.

(set transitions from game show setup to talk show setup, late-night-band-music and applause accompanying the set change. Hannah sits as the guest, the Giant Gorilla sits as the second guest, and the announcer as Conan)

Conan: Now, what’s this really about Hannah? You’re a teenage girl, right? Is it school? Your parents? A boy?

Hannah Montana: Conan, I’m sure you know these are exactly the questions you’re contractually obligated NOT to mention.

(laugh track)

Conan: Valid point. Why don’t you share with us some of your pre-approved feelings, then?

Hannah Montana: I’ve just been really busy... you know? It’s like... every day, I’m just like... ugh! You know?

Conan: Let’s get more specific, Hannah.

Hannah Montana: Conan, I’m trying...

Conan: What’s going on with you?

Hannah Montana: I mean... it can be kind of stressful being on the road sometimes, going on tour in 3D and everything... and being on set with the show, and doing schoolwork in between takes and living a double life and constantly dyeing my hair — but it’s all for my fans. I love my fans.

Giant Gorilla: GRRR

Conan: So what do your fans think of this Giant Gorilla you’re always hanging with? I hear you two are working on a new project now!

Hannah Montana: Yeah, that’s right, Conan. Well me and the Giant Gorilla met a few weeks ago, at a mutual friend’s dinner party. A couple days later we ran into each other at Club 17, we started talking— we just hit it off. It was magic.

Giant Gorilla: MAGIC

(pause)

Conan: Is there something I’m not getting here?

Hannah Montana: What do you mean?

Conan: (half-whisper) It’s almost like you’re drawing attention to it.

Hannah Montana: To the Giant Gorilla? He’s my buddy.

Conan: I don’t want to be rude Hannah, but, I mean, look at him. He’s staring me down right now. He looks like he wants to kill me.

Hannah Montana: He’s just protective, Conan. It’s animal instinct.

Conan: What could you two be working on together?

Hannah Montana: It’s actually a pretty cool concept.

Conan: You gotta tell me about it.

Hannah Montana: OK, well you remember Celebrity Boxing??

Conan: Oh sure, who could forget that... obscene display of public humiliation?

(laugh track)

Hannah Montana: Well, it’s kinda like that, except every week a different celebrity fights the Giant Gorilla.

(pause)

Conan: You’re serious? This is your show?

Hannah Montana: Totally. And we might have musical performances.

Conan: Is Disney involved with this?

Hannah Montana: Yeah, it’s premiering on Sunday night on ABC at eight, seven central.

Conan: This Sunday? I’m sorry, Hannah, I’ve not been well prepared for this interview.

Hannah Montana: And my name isn’t Hannah, that’s the character I play, my name is Miley.

Conan: Shit, get the fuck out of here.

Miley: I know you can’t say that on TV.

Conan: You’re right. You’re right, I’m sorry. I really don’t know what my problem is. I just — (sighs)

Miley: I mean, it’s okay.

Conan: I’m sorry, Miley, I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.

Miley: It’s all right.

Conan: No, you know what? It’s unprofessional is what it is. There’s integrity at stake here — there’s NBC. I need to apologize on behalf of NBC for this mistreatment of your celebrity, it’s really, I’m a fraud, I’m a weak man.

Miley: No, you’re — c’mon, Conan. You give yourself too hard of a time.

Conan: No, it’s true. I’m a fragile shell of a human. My net worth is 95% the hair. (referencing ‘do)

(laugh track)

Miley: Hey! You’re more than that.

Conan: Trust me. It’s the hair.

Miley: You could shave it all off, the people would still love you.

Conan: Um, maybe. Probably not though.

Miley: Believe me.

Conan: I don’t think I’d be as funny.

Miley: But don’t you think you’d feel better?

Conan: Hey, baby, I don’t tell you how to do your job, OK? Huh?

(laugh track)

Miley: I wasn’t trying to—

Conan: Let’s just stick to the little blue cards, OK.

Miley: OK (deep breaths) OK...

(The Giant Gorilla rubs Miley’s back.)

Conan: So, (reading) how does it feel to be a monumental superstar of global proportions?

Miley: (caught off guard, laughing) I don’t know, I don’t —

Conan: I mean that’s the question, isn’t it?

Miley: Yeah, I guess, I mean...

Conan: How does it feel to be Miley Cyrus? Hannah Montana? 3D? Could have your pick of any Jonas Brother you want. Larger than life. Bigger than Jesus.

Miley: I’m — I don’t know how to answer the question.

Conan: C’mon. What does it feel like? What goes through your mind?

Miley: My...? I... you don’t...

Conan: What do you dream about? What makes you cry? What does your breakfast taste like?

Miley: I don’t... (looks nervously off-stage, signs “cut” with her hand and her neck)

Conan: I don’t want to... push you.

Miley: Yeah, I just — I don’t really want to talk about it.

Conan: OK. (pause) What do you want to talk about?

Miley: What do I want to talk about?

Conan: What do you want to talk about?

Miley: What do I want to talk about?

Conan: Do you want to talk? This is a talk show.

Miley: I think... I like to talk. I want to share myself but — Conan, I think this isn’t my setting.

Conan: How do you mean?

Miley: I mean.... Your target viewership... my target viewership...

Conan: Uh huh. I think I see what you’re saying.

Miley: I’m uncomfortable.

Conan: Were you better off in the game show, you think?

Miley: This just isn’t the right fit.

Conan: Well what can I do for you? I can play a clip from your movie if you want.

Miley: It’s not the same in 2D.

Conan: Maybe we can do something else.

Miley: It’s just —

Conan: I mean, I know, you’re uncomfortable.

Miley: I’m uncomfortable.

Conan: This isn’t necessarily the exposure you’re looking for.

Miley: I’m not confronting the gorilla.

Conan: OK, You lost me.

Miley: Could we get some comfortable chairs in here? Maybe some pastel colors, something aiming under and over the 18-25 year old demographic?

Conan: You got it, baby.

(chairs rearrange and set redesigns to daytime talk show, inspirational music plays along with applause, the Announcer is now in drag, and Oprah. This should be played similar to Tracy Morgan’s Oprah impersonation.)

Oprah: Laddiiiiieeees, welcome back to Oprah!

(audience woos)

Oprah: Our guests today are Miley Cyrus and this Giant Gorilla. Miley, when are you gonna tell us what’s going on with the Gorilla?

Miley: Oh we’re just friends, Oprah.

Oprah: What’s your professional relationship like? Do you guys have as much fun in the studio as you do out at Club 17?

Miley: Oh, we’re always having fun. We spend a lot of time working hard, but we’re always making each other laugh.

Giant Gorilla: MILEY IS HILARIOUS

Oprah: Sounds like you guys make quite the pair! But Miley... I hear that’s not all there is to it. I hear there’s another side.

Miley: Another side?

Oprah: A dark side.

Miley: A... dark side?

Oprah: Yes.

Miley: I don’t know what you mean, Whoopi.

Oprah: Whoopi?

Miley: Whoopsie!

Giant Gorilla: WHOOPSIE

(laugh track)

Oprah: But seriously.

Miley: Dark side?

Oprah: A dark side.

(pause)

Miley: Well, sometimes I feel like I’m walking on air.

Oprah: Walking on air?

Miley: Sometimes I feel like everything’s going so well. I mean my success, little girls looking up to me, the smiles on my parents’ faces, nothing can stop me! I can’t even stop me. My force is out of my control, it’s something finely tuned by a whole bunch of smart people in suits and ties... and my daddy, my daddy wrote “Achy Breaky Heart,” people don’t even know that they know that song but everybody knows it.

Oprah: Walking on air.

Miley: When I’m with the gorilla I feel like I’m falling.

Oprah: Oh.

Miley: But it feels the same.

Oprah: The... same?

Miley: Whether I’m walking on air or falling through it. Except when I’m falling...

Oprah: You’re worried about hitting the ground.

Miley: Yeah. (pause) You know, Oprah, you always know the right thing to say.

Oprah: That’s why they pay me the big bucks. Find out more about Miley’s troubled soul after these messages from our sponsors!

(audience begins to clap)

Miley: No, no! I wasn’t done, we were talking, we were making real headway.

Oprah: Yes, and we’ll be making a little bit more after these messages. You can’t be so selfish all of the time, Miley.

Miley: Selfish?

Oprah: You have to consider the needs of our sponsors. You’re just one person. A publicly traded corporation — that’s like a million of you.

Miley: A million? Of me?

Oprah: You’re just one person.

Miley: But I’m Miley Cyrus.

Oprah: You’re just one person.

Miley: I’m Hannah Montana. 3D.

Oprah: They’re Glade. They paid ABC-Television 117,000 dollars to make people think of my face when they see their logo in the supermarket, and think to themselves, “Well, I always liked Lysol, but Oprah wants me to give Glade a try.”

Miley: So what? I’m—

Oprah: So Glade is happy. Millions of people are happy. Are you happy?

Miley: I’m happy.

Oprah: Who cares? Who are you?

Miley: I don’t know if I’m happy. (to herself) Why don’t I know if I’m happy?

Oprah: You’re a teenager, right?

Miley: Sometimes I feel like I’m floating on air. But right now I’m falling.

Oprah: And we’re back!

(audience claps)

Oprah: Miley — you’re falling.

(Miley starts to crumble, tiny tears out of the corners of her eyes, she holds her head in tiny fists. Oprah, even the Giant Gorilla was not expecting this.)

Oprah: Miley? Baby?

(Miley’s sobbing continues. For a number of moments, no one does anything to comfort her. Eventually, the sobs die down, Miley sniffles, then there is long uncomfortable silence.)

Miley: I’m ready to confront the gorilla.

Oprah: I’m sorry?

Miley: (looking up) I’m ready to confront the gorilla.

Oprah: Are you sure?

Miley: Yeah.

Oprah: Right now?

Miley: Uh-huh!

Oprah: I don’t buy it.

Miley: I mean it.

Oprah: You’re not ready. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Miley: Quit pushing me, Oprah. You don’t tell me what to do. I’m confronting the gorilla right now.

Oprah: You’re in the dark.

Miley: I’m Miley Cyrus.

Oprah: You’re a little blind girl who thinks she can see. You can’t even see yourself. You’re afraid—

Miley: I’m not afraid. I’m Miley Cyrus. That means something.

Oprah: You’re wrong.

Miley: (standing) I’m not!

Oprah: (standing) You’re wrong!

Miley: I’m not!

Giant Gorilla: (standing, turning to Miley) YOU’RE WRONG

Miley: (turning to the Giant Gorilla, fire in her eyes) I’M NOT!

(Lights change to dramatic lights, similar to the game show, chairs are rolled out and three tables are rolled in. Two tables sit mid-stage, the Giant Gorilla stands behind the table stage-left-ish, Miley stage-right-ish. On the tables are a loaf of bread, a few knives, butter, a toaster, and a mayonnaise jar. The third table sits in front upstage, center stage, some mass on the table is covered by a dark tablecloth. When the set is set, the dramatic lights freeze and Oprah, now Alton Brown, rushes to the front table.)

Alton: The secret ingredient is... (pulling tablecloth) Boloney!

(under the tablecloth is a giant mound of standard Oscar Mayer bologna. Both the Giant Gorilla and Miley rush to fill a large plate with their share of bologna and then return to their stations. As soon as the Giant Gorilla is back, he immediately begins consuming the bologna as fast as possible. How this can be done with a Gorilla costume I’m not sure, maybe he just smushes the bologna into his face and then lets it fall to the ground. But the Giant Gorilla should not stop ravenously eating the bologna until the scene changes. Meanwhile Miley tries to make a bologna sandwich. Somehow she cannot figure it out. Meanwhile, Alton commentates.)

Alton: Ooh, well it looks like both of our chefs are getting to work on their secret ingredients. The Giant Gorilla’s strategy is.... Eh, a little unorthodox, let’s see how it plays out for him. Meanwhile, it looks like Miley’s trying to recreate the classic dish, sandwich de bologna. But, (chuckles) it seems she can’t figure out the bread.

Miley: (At this point, Miley is holding up a slice of bread very close to her face, she is deep in concentration, and as helpless as a goldfish) Is this... whole wheat?

Alton: Here’s a fun fact: Despite bologna’s foreign name, it’s actually an American meat. The name Bologna is derived from the origin of mortadella, a similar Italian sausage from which the American bologna is based. My bologna has a first name, and it is not M-I-L-E-Y.

(Sitting in front of Miley is a random stacking of far too much bologna and far too many slices of bread, she slathers butter and mayo on every now and then, and then continues stacking.)

Miley: I can’t... it’s hard...

Alton: In Newfoundland, they grill their bologna. They call these “Newfie steaks”. It seems now Miley has noticed the toaster at her work station and is toasting a few slices. Whether she intends to toast the rest of the bread already a part of that mutant sandwich-like abortion in front of her remains to be seen.

(Miley is doing this.)

Miley: I... like toast... I like... Quizno’s...

Alton: Of course, she could include both toasted and untoasted bread in a single sandwich... a feat never before witnessed here in Kitchen Stadium.

(pause)

Alton: In Pittsburgh, bologna is sometimes referred to as “jumbo”.

Miley: (staring into the toaster) I want to win... this isn’t fair... I can’t do this...

Alton: You’re breaking my achy breaky heart.

Miley: Don’t make fun of my daddy!

(Miley throws some butter knives in her hands on the ground, they make a loud sound. Miley should then have a few moments to huff and puff, a decent pause, before the toast shoots out of the toaster and disrupts the tension again. Miley then yanks the toaster out of the socket and throws it hard behind her, hopefully it breaks into a couple pieces dramatically. Another extended pause.)

Miley: Don’t make fun of my daddy.

Alton: You can’t even make a fucking sandwich.

Miley: Don’t make fun of my daddy.

Alton: You can’t even make a fucking bologna sandwich.

Miley: I’m Miley Cyrus.

Alton: Do you even see that disgusting slop sitting in front of you? I could have you committed. They could have you institutionalized for that shit alone.

Miley: I’m trying my best.

Alton: The giant gorilla in the room is — your best isn’t good enough.

Miley: I don’t think that’s what the giant gorilla in the room is.

Giant Gorilla: (still eating bologna) GRRR

Alton: The giant gorilla in the room is — your best isn’t good enough. You believe in your own myth, you’re pathetic. You buy into yourself, it’s hysterical, think you have some power, take on the system, for real? Are you kidding yourself?

Miley: I’m not—

Alton: You can’t even make a fucking bologna sandwich. My ten-year-old can make a bologna sandwich. My ten-year-old can make a turkey club, I can’t even imagine—

Miley: No, shut up!

Alton: Face it, Miley—

Miley: The giant gorilla in the room is that you’re full of shit.

Alton: Excuse me? This isn’t about me! That’s your gorilla.

Miley: The gorilla in the room is that you only talk to me in fucking clichés, even when you’re trying to tear me down, your best isn’t good enough, oh! Is that supposed to strike a chord? Is that the ultimate diss, am I put in my place? And you’re in yours, you’re just playing a part, we all are, I’m tired of it!

Alton: Miley—

Miley: I’m sick of recycling conversations, I’m sick of being told what I think, what face I’m gonna put on, I can’t be this character all the time, I can’t deny my thoughts, my words, the Miley that wants to be, to be, I can’t be a human and a robot all at once, I have to breathe goddamnit!

Alton: You gotta calm down.

Miley: Goddamnit!

Alton: Language, Miley.

Miley: I’m ready to fight the gorilla now, Alton.

Alton: I don’t think—

Miley: I’m ready to fight the gorilla now, Alton.

(pause)

(This transfer is going to be mad disjunct. Miley starts putting her hair into a ponytail, and stage hands come out and put big red boxing gloves on her fists, before lights change or anything.)

Alton: Hey, hold on.

Miley: Ring the bell!

(Stage hands come out with gloves for the Giant Gorilla)

Alton: No do- (it rings) —n’t! Goddamnit.

Miley: I’m fucking ready.

(Stage hands come out carrying poles with elastic ropes connecting them, they set them up boxing Miley, Alton, and the Giant Gorilla into a boxing ring.)

Alton: Are you sure about this, Miley?

(Lights drop to a single spotlight in the center of the ring.)

Miley: I’m here for blood, Howie.

Alton: Howie?

Miley: You’re Howie Mandel now. He’s hosting our boxing show.

Howie: Is that real?

(Stage hands come out, duck through the ropes and slap a bowtie on Howie and mouthguards in Miley and the Giant Gorilla’s mouths)

Miley: (spitting) LETSTH DO IT

Howie: OK, OK, uh, now, um, I want a good clean fight —

Miley: Ring the fucking bell, Howie!

Howie: I mean it, seriously. I’m looking at you Giant Gorilla, don’t touch the face (points to Miley’s face), it’s worth a million dollars.

Miley: (spitting) Ring the fucking bell, Howie!

(Howie ducks through the ropes, and the bell rings three times.)

Howie: Fight!

(The fight scene that follows should be as extended and brutally violent as possible. Minutes should pass. Lots of big punches in the face and standard boxing and the like, but don’t get afraid to get dirty. How comfortable are your actors with biting? Perhaps the Gorilla could throw Miley — this would have to be carefully choreographed. Being creative is important, but what’s more important is brutality. There should be a lot of noises, heavy breathing and groaning and the like, there should be a great deal of cursing on Miley’s part. The Giant Gorilla shouldn’t say anything except grunts. The general scope of the fight is that Miley is fighting much more ferociously than the Giant Gorilla, but is still getting hit with a lot of big blows. In the end, Miley has defeated the Gorilla but is bloody and beaten, on her last limb. She should be kneeling over the Giant Gorilla’s body, panting hard, blood literally dripping off of her face, clothing torn — the Giant Gorilla is certainly dead. She looks down at the Gorilla and then looks into the audience, smiles, and raises a red-gloved fist triumphantly. The spotlight goes out.

But some lights are still on, dim house lights or something. We see Miley drop her fist and pant for a couple minutes. She is now completely natural, in her element; she carelessly pulls her gloves off and tosses them across the ring. She pulls a cigarette out of her back pocket, lights it, and takes a fatty drag. She sighs loudly. Maybe she farts. Howie walks slowly towards Miley, cautious fear in his footsteps.)

Howie: Hey.

(Miley turns over her shoulder to look at Howie, she blows smoke in his face.)

Howie: So, holy shit.

Miley: Right?

Howie: Right? (nervous laughter) Is he — is he dead?

Miley: I don’t know, want me to pull his heart out of his throat and check if it’s still beating?

Howie: (jumps) Jesus, yikes, I mean, God. You are something.

Miley: Whatever. I could do it, s’all I’m saying.

(pause)

Howie: ...You know this show’s never gonna get picked up.

Miley: (sighs) The world isn’t ready for it.

Howie: Shit no it’s not! Who’d have thought Miley Cyrus would’ve been ready for it?

Miley: Castles made of sand, Howie.

Howie: What’s that?

Miley: Jimi Hendrix? It’s a... Hendrix song...

(pause)

Howie: I’m really into smooth jazz.

Miley: Whatever, Howie. Forget it.

Howie: OK.

Miley: It was only a matter of time, I’m saying.

Howie: Before...?

Miley: Before something had to be done.

Howie: Before you kicked the shit out of the gorilla.

Miley: I don’t want to argue with you, Howie. You’re a fucking moron.

Howie: I think I’ve learned something.

Miley: I don’t think you’ve learned anything.

Howie: Well, maybe not.

Miley: I need some Advil. And some Xanax.

Howie: I have Ativan... in my trailer.

(Miley thinks about it for a second and then stands, she and Howie start walking off stage)

Miley: (walking off) You know, Howie, I heard on Howard Stern you won’t shake hands with people. You afraid of germs?

Howie: People are dirty. Don’t touch people, Miley.

(Lights out.)