AM: I don’t think I’m witty. Oh yeah, next to my name you have to put “ret.” Then just ask what that ret. stands for and I’ll say “retired.”

Right, So which of you is the jollier fat man? And by fat, I mean much bigger than me and capable of bench-pressing my truck.
AM: Definitely Cole, I mean come on, look at him.
CP: What is that supposed to mean? I’d say you’re jollier and fatter. But I’m definitely bigger and stronger.
AM: I’m thinking of something witty, hold on. Damn it.
CP: Shhh, Shut up Cole.

Adam, you’re graduating this spring what do you plan to do after graduation, aside from a whole lot of nothing, including, but not limited to, sleeping in for two months straight?

AM: That’s a good question.
CP: I thought you were going to be a bartender if you didn’t get into law school.

You didn’t get into law school?

AM: No, still waiting for law school. But right now it’s law school.

When do you hear back on that law school stuff?
AM: Hopefully within the next two weeks.

And if that doesn’t pan out for whatever reason, what will you do with your glorious Oberlin liberal arts degree? Do you want fries with that?
AM: I’m not going to answer that because I don’t want to jinx myself. But if I had to choose I think I’m going to dabble in politics or bartending.

Have you ever bartended before?

AM: No, that’s beside the point.

So how’s the diet going, Adam? I was pretty impressed with your ability to avoid carbohydrates at the ’Sco a few weeks ago disregarding last night of course.
AM: Oh, last night was bad, too. Oh my God. It was just bad, dude.
CP: The diet.

Very profound, Cole.

CP: I remember that song you were singing about cheeseburgers.
AM: Oh, I miss cheeseburgers.
CP: You had one for dinner!
AM: Today was an off day. But that was like the first cheeseburger in like, however long.
CP: If you’re going to get a cheeseburger and cheese why would you go to Stevenson?

Cole, how’s the O-line looking for next season with the loss of Adam and his fellow seniors Drew Roebuck and Kevin Wahl?
CP: I think we’re going to be pretty good if [Joe Dehondt] Dobber and Keil Neumeier are able to come back.

What do you think, Adam?

AM: Under our tutelage I think Cole, Neumeier and Dobber have an excellent base to whoop some ass with. But what do I know, I’m retired.

Adam, do you know what retired means?

AM: Yeah, I’m living the dream.

The inexperienced bartender dream?
AM: No, the no-6 a.m. workouts dream.
CP: You bastard.

Adam, do you have anything to say about Drew?

CP: He loves him and misses him deeply.
AM: Come home, Drew!
CP: [Senior] Keil’s [Rohrbaucher]
not half the roommate you were.
AM: Keil’s just a pudgy substitute.
[looks at Cole] God, you’re fat.
CP: He’s [Adam] the fattest thing I’ve ever seen.
AM: Look at that belly jiggle as he chuckles.
CP: How much weight have you lost on the diet?
AM: I’ve lost 15 pounds. I don’t want to hear it. But that’s in combination with getting my tonsils out. God, you’re fat.
CP: You’re stupid.
AM: God, you’re fat. Don’t you just love it when fat kids call each other fat?

Who’d have thought bringing up Drew would bring so many fat jokes?

CP: How did we get on Drew to calling each other fat, I don’t understand it.
AM: I don’t know, that’s what fat kids do. They’re insecure with their fatness so they call each other fat. By the way, we’re just big boned-ed.
CP: Festively plump.

All right, any final words? What do you want on your tombstone?

AM: What the hell kind of question is that?

Like Tombstone, the pizza.

AM: Well, Cole’s gonna put pepperoni.
CP: Actually, I prefer ham.

That’s just wrong. Ham has no place on a meat-eater’s pizza.

AM: Regardless, it’s just fattening.
CP: Adam wants everything on his.
AM: I want it all, baby. I want it all.

Adam, your last reply reminds me of that Backstreet Boys song.

AM: [Breaks out into song]

See, no, Adam, no, stop that. All right, for real, anything you guys want to say before I close this out?

AM: I am glad that the “In the Locker Room” section is back and I would like to extend my congratulations to the Review for upholding those values which Oberlin students hold most dear regarding censorship and the right to free speech. I respect the athletic department’s goal to create championship-caliber athletics at this school; however, it can’t come at the cost of free speech.