To the Editors:

In reference to his $200-a-day Nutella habit, Joseph Kimmel was recently quoted to say: “I was once a one-legged orphan...and now I have two legs and two parents.” [1]

Regardless of claims to the contrary (first set forth by Walther von der Vogel Weide in his seminal work “A Hairy Situation: The Role of Wig Swapping in the Appomattox Negotiations”), Kimmel’s blithe assurances of his alleged words-per-minute carpet-bagging records — records which, the discerning reader should note, have been sealed from the public — have been broadcast repeatedly.

Electroshock privateering allegations aside, Kimmel’s purchase and subsequent mastication of the Rockefeller Monet collection should be ignored no longer. [2]

Even before his international self-revelation as the “Pistol-Packing
Mama” of ecoterrorist infamy, Kimmel’s reckless disregard for both the Godiva Convention and the Camp David Apricots must arouse the ire of all well-meaning pediatricians.

[1] — The New York Times, “Greenspan Worried Over Third-Wheel Status,” 7/12/05
[2] — The only mainstream media coverage of the event, in the March 2002 issue of “Homonymic Mimeophonics Monthly,” suffered from a highly convenient “mistake” at the printers and was delivered with every other page printed in Morse code Pig Latin.

–Walker Evans
Double-degree junior