Valentine's woes? The Love Docs are in

Oberlin's Counseling Center recently began an electronic advice column for students with minor problems. "Dr. Cyberviser" is a pseudonym for the collection of College counselors combining their input to answer student's questions.

Dr. Love is sophomore Daliz Perez-Cabezas, who hosts a WOBC show on Wednesdays from 6-7 p.m.

In honor of Valentine's Day The Review posed four questions from fictional students depicting problems of campus life and love. Any resemblance to actual Oberlin students is entirely coincidental.

Dear Dr. Cyberviser and Dr. Love,

My girlfriend and I have been together for the past year. My problem is that we come from opposite coasts and are separated for long periods of time during Winter Term and summer vacation.

Last summer I met another girl. I knew right from the start it was just a temporary fling, and now that I'm back on campus I'm happier than ever being with my girlfriend. She has been completely faithful to me and doesn't know what happened last summer.

My question is, should I tell her the truth about what happened? I have no intention of cheating on her again and am afraid if she finds out what I did she'll break up with me. Is it better to be honest and risk losing her, or should I assume that what she doesn't know can't hurt her?

Signed,

Torn in Two

From Dr. Cyberviser:

Dear Torn in Two:

This is a complicated issue, and people have very different perspectives about what should be done in these situations. You haven't mentioned anything about the understanding you and your girlfriend may have had about outside relationships.

Does this "fling" violate any previous understanding? If this was a sexual relationship, do you have the responsibility to discuss the possible health issues with your partner? What would you want your partner to do if the tables were turned and she had had a fling? Have you thought about the long-term effects on your relationship of telling or not telling her? How can you be sure it couldn't happen again?

Obviously these are difficult and complex questions, and answers will vary from person to person. If after pondering these questions you continue to be unclear about what to do, you may want to speak with friends or someone at the Counseling Center to expand and further clarify your thoughts and feelings. You and the psychologist could explore your personal perspectives and values related to this relationship, as well as other issues of importance to you.

You are asking good questions which indicate a desire to do the right thing. Stay with it, and I hope things work out for you and your girlfriend.

-Dr. Cyberviser

From Dr. Love:

Dear Torn in Two,

I have to start off by saying that it's a sorry state of affairs that you let your hormones overcome your feelings for your girlfriend. Obviously they weren't very strong in the first place.

But nonetheless, since you say you love your girlfriend, I think it's best that you tell her the truth and risk losing her because it's my experience that if you can survive this it will make your relationship stronger.

If she dumps you, you had it coming.

-Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,

This is my third year here and Saturday will mark my third Valentine-less Valentine's Day. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if it's true what everybody says about people being so antisocial on this campus. They say that lots of Oberlin alumni marry other Obies, but I don't see how that ever happens since nobody even seems to date here!

I never used to have problems getting dates but it seems like lots of the guys here are afraid to make the first move. Maybe you can give me some advice on how to get everybody on this campus to just loosen up and have some fun?

Just sign me,

Out of Patience in Oberlin

From Dr. Love:

Dear Out of Patience,

For one thing, forget about trying to change everyone's mind. I've been attempting to do that on my radio show and it's been very unsuccessful. But there are a select few people who are in the exact same position that you are. And I'll tell you the same thing I tell them: Either forget about the whole thing altogether or become more aggressive yourself.

I'm an advocate for women making the first move. As a strong woman myself, hell, I've done it sometimes. As far as what you said about students here being "antisocial," it's not really that people are antisocial-it's that they're "socially retarded." When the standard for trying to pick someone up is stalking, you know there's something wrong.

On a more optimistic note, not everyone is like that. You just have to go out and find the person for you.

-Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Love,

I met this guy at a party last semester and ended up sleeping with him that same night. This is an unusual situation for me and I'm not sure how to handle it, especially since I know he cheated on his boyfriend with me.

Now whenever I see him on campus I feel totally awkward, but I still find him attractive. I recently learned that he and his boyfriend have broken up and am thinking this might be my chance to approach him.

Tell me, do you think it's possible for a meaningful relationship to develop from a one night stand?

Signed,

Confused near Cleveland

Dear Confused,

First of all, you have to ask yourself if you want a relationship with someone who cheated on his boyfriend with you. If the answer is yes, even with this possible danger sign, you still have to wonder if sex is enough to want to start a relationship on.

And if you're still intent on pursuing this relationship, be forewarned that only bad things can come of it.

-Dr. Love

Dear Dr. Cyberviser and Dr. Love,

I've been dating this guy for a couple of months now. He's a nice person and everything, only I don't think we're each other's types. We hardly ever find anything to talk about when we get together and we don't really have any common interests.

My friends tell me I should just break up with him, but the problem is, I don't want to lose the physical relationship we have. I think he feels the same way I do. Should we stay together just for sex?

Sign me,

Emotionally Unfulfilled

From Dr. Cyberviser:

Dear Emotionally Unfulfilled,

Dr. Cyberviser hears you struggling with many parts of this complex issue. Your friends raised breaking up as something you should do. Had you been questioning it, on your own? As well as they know you, and as much as they care about you, others are not in your relationship and can't truly know what it's like from the inside for you.

If you pay attention to the feelings that motivate you to ask this question, what comes up for you? You have doubts about what's right; what is the meaning of this for you? You phrased the last part of your question "just for sex." Is that a value judgment on your part?

Also, is that what the relationship is like-that you and your partner don't communicate, don't care about each other's feelings? What have you conveyed to him about your expectations and wishes for the relationship? It's also possible that some of your ambivalence about this is related to the conflict people can feel when they separate themselves-and their lives-into parts.

You sound like you're uncomfortable having a sexual relationship that splits itself off from your emotional life. This may feel right for you only in the short-run, too uncomfortable as a long-term plan.

It also sounds like having this kind of relationship, with its inherent conflicts for you, may cut off possibilities for a more satisfying, holistic relationship.

It's important to remember that what's most key is what is best for you, as an individual. Others can be helpful in the process, but in the end you are the one that lives your life.

Dr. Cyberviser suggests you continue to seek help and support from sources around you. At the same time, keep in closest touch with your own values, needs and feelings. They will tell you what is in your heart.

Best wishes,

Dr. Cyberviser

From Dr. Love:

Dear Emotionally Unfulfilled,

I think your name says it all. This relationship based on sex is obviously not fulfilling to you. So you have three options here: First, you could continue to have sex with him and tie a handkerchief around his mouth.

The second option is to just dump him and have sex with random people-that's easy to do at Oberlin parties while drunk.

And option three, probably the most healthy one, is that you take at least a week off from men and sex and try to look for a relationship where you can find both sex and meaningful conversation. Good luck finding a heterosexual male on this campus!

-Dr. Love