A Modest Proposal: Don't you think professors need pagers?

There is an increasingly troublesome problem on this campus concerning class attendance. More specifically, this problem concerns those students who cannot get to class on time, and who end up walking through the door somewhere in the middle of a lecture or a discussion. While this may not be a problem for some of the large lecture classes in the sciences, this does create an appreciable disturbance in classes with fewer than thirty-five students. Those who are able, somehow, to attend class on time are constantly distracted by the late-comers moving around, and the late-comers are unable to learn everything that they have paid for. Clearly something must be done to ensure that both the punctual and the tardy students are able to reap the full benefits of an Oberlin education.

Fortunately, I have an answer that satisfies the needs for both flocks of students. The key revelation which led to my answer goes as follows: we, the student body, are paying for these professors. This is a simple and yet vital revelation, because now the question must be asked: why does the responsibility lie with the student to change his or her lifestyle to fit the needs of a professor whom he or she is paying for. I urge you to call it out in the streets, to shout it from the rooftops of King and Kettering, to tell your neighbors in Baldwin or Zeke or wherever you live, that every professor at this college works for us! We pay their salaries! Therefore, I submit that we abolish the use of the traditional classroom, effective at the beginning of the next school year. But fear not that our newly formed schedules for the upcoming semester will need changing, because my solution does not mean abolishing the classes themselves. On the contrary, the classes will be just as they are now, even better in fact, for the problems which attendance causes will be gone.

How will we learn, you ask, without attending classes? Here is the crux of my solution: I have invented a unique type of pager called the Prof Pager(TM). Each professor here will be equipped with one of these pagers and will be on call day and night every day (excluding weekends and some holidays of course). Whenever a student wants to learn, he or she will need only to page his or her professor and that professor will visit the student's room and teach there for however long the student wishes. If the professor happens to be with another student at the time, the student who has paged him can simply page him another time, even if that time is three in the morning when the student suddenly feels inspired. This is only sensible since the professors are indeed our employees, and must be willing to cater to our needs. But the Prof Pagers(TM) are beneficial for the faculty here as well, and my solution should surely win them over, for they will now be able to teach with the comfort and assurance that they always have the student's full attention, for when the student's attention wavers he or she simply needs to send the professor away.

There will be those critics who argue against the use of the Prof Pagers(TM), however. They will argue that a better solution would be for the tardy students to simply arrive on time to class, to stop acting like their being students validates their lack of respect towards their professors. They might also argue that part of the solution lies with the professors, and that if the professors spoke out against rude interruptions (not occasional, subtle ones), and if necessary locked the door of the classroom after five or ten minutes into class, then those students unwilling to act politely towards their professors and classmates will not have the opportunity to do otherwise. But these critics are blinded by their own fantastical dreams! They fail to realize the impossibility that many of these tardy students face in understanding that their partial funding of the professors' salaries does not mean the professors are just another school supply equitable to textbooks. With my solution, students and faculty alike are able to accomplish what they desire: the punctual students have an undisturbed education, the tardy students have a full education that fits their individual needs, and the professors only teach students who are focused on learning. Only this way will the Oberlin experience and education be complete to all.

-Joe Sulman, College sophomore

Oberlin community needs to postpone meal plans for a year

What follows is a compilation of the issues at stake in the current campaign to postpone the CDS meal plans for one year.

Less Value For Your Money:

The advertised flexibility of the new meal plan will come at a different type of price. While each student would pay the same amount of money to the college, those who choose the seven or 14 meal plan options would not be fully compensated with Flex Dollars. While each CDS meal on the 21 meal plan would cost about $5.50, for each CDS meal a student would forego with the seven or 14 meal option, she/he would only receive approximately $2.20 in Flex dollars. In addition, the products available for purchase with these flex dollars will be priced higher in order to cover other CDS operating costs, debasing still further the value of the money we pay into the plan.

Student Input:

While it is true that students want a more flexible plan at a lower cost, they never consented to the specifics of the plan. Just because the planning process began nearly 18 months ago does not necessarily mean student and town concerns have been adequately incorporated or that the product of this planning process is satisfactory.

Downtown Business:

Because downtown businesses depend on college customers, several merchants believe the new plan would be a tremendous blow to downtown. The plan would set up unfair competition for student business between the college and downtown as Oberlin students would have $400-$800 (per year) in Flex Dollars only spendable on campus. Administrators claim the plan will increase students' disposable income by cutting board costs by $214. In reality however, this $214 will not enter the town economy. Parents who pay the bills are far more likely to keep the extra $214 than to turn it over to their children for town spending sprees. The savings will also disappear into many students' financial aid packages.

Although visionary comments have been made about incorporating Flex dollars into local business, no immediate plan has been established to create a mechanism for implementation. Oberlin College has a responsibility to look at the ways in which it affects the wider community.

Oberlin students employed downtown should also be worried about how this plan will affect their employment. Any negative effects will not only take money away from Oberlin residents, but also away from students.

Finally, the new meal plan would not allow any students (with the exception of medical excuses) to be exempt from off-board, which would serve as an additional drain for business.

Marriott:

Marriott corporation, which manages the dining halls on campus, originally was scheduled to have its contract with the college renegotiated this year. The college extended the contract for two years to allow for the implementation of the dining changes.

There is a possibility that the college will decide next year to engage with a new contracting firm, when the college takes open bids from firms, they might find one able to propose a more satisfactory dining plan overhaul than the one before us now. The college should be expanding its range of choices, not narrowing them by rushing to implement a new plan before Marriott's contract runs out.

OSCA:

The college assured OSCA all year that the new plan would not impact co-opers at all. Recently, Res. Life announced that the Flex Dollars plan complicates the refunding of board bills for students who leave CDS for co-ops mid-semester. They are now asking for OSCA and CDS membership be frozen one month into each semester. OSCA's existence depends on an open flow of members between CDS and co-ops, as students leave (or are kicked out of) co-ops and get accepted off the wait list. A solution to this dilemma needs to be worked out thoughtfully, not pasted hurriedly together.

Waste:

Many students are concerned about the waste problems which will result from the proposed Dascomb food court and Wilder bakery/coffee/convenience shop. How much additional waste will Oberlin College generate if the college institutes fast food dining services that use non-reusables? There are many valid environmental concerns that still need to be addressed. David Orr's Oberlin and the Biosphere class is completing a report for the college containing environmental recommendations for the future. This report should be consulted before changes occur.

-Amy Pandijiris, College first-year
-Sara Marcus, College junior
-And other concerned students who want to postpone the meal plan