If you go to see Prince of Egypt some evening next week,then go ahead and skip the 9:30 p.m. showing of Insurrection, the latest addition to the Star Trek saga. It sucks like last year's catheter. Even a hard-core Star Trek fan is likely to find serious disappointment in this film.
For Star Trek fans, one of the things that make the movies unlike the series episodes was that the movies tend to have some significant moment to them. They were important in the Star Trek universe. A quick recap:
Star Trek I: the last of the Voyager craft returns to Earth in a bid to wipe out human life. Kirk saves the planet.
Star Trek II: Kirk's son plays God and his enemy Khan (from one of the episodes) tries to get even. Spock is killed. (Also featuring a really cool space battle.)
Star Trek III: Kirk ignites a serious dispute between the Klingons and the Federation. Spock is resurrected.
Star Trek IV: The Enterprise crew sans Enterprise save the humpback whale from extinction and save Earth from an evil moaning probe.
Star Trek V: The Enterprise embarks on a mission to find God at the center of the galaxy.
Star Trek VI: The Enterprise crew plays a significant role in the signing of the great peace treaty between the Federation and the Klingons.
Star Trek: Generations: The great passing of the torch to the next gen crew. We find out how Kirk dies and see the Enterprise B on her maiden voyage.
Star Trek: First Contact: In a bid to wipe out humans, the Borg go back to a pre-space-travelling Earth and assimilate humanity. We see the first warp drive ever and the first contact with the Vulcans.
Star Trek: Insurrection: Oh dear. . . The problem here is that there is nothing note-worthy about this story. Even the writers knew that while they were writing it, and instead of making it more interesting, they try to justify the banality of their story throughout the movie.
And that's just the beginning. To boot, Jonathan Frakes, ol' Number One himself, uses this movie as kind of a big extension of his phallus for him to wave around at anyone who happens to make the mistake of buying a ticket. "Let's see..." he thinks to himself. "I'll make Patrick Stewart dress up like an idiot, I'll make Marina Sirtis fall in love with me again. Michael Dorn stole her from me in the series, so I'll give him acne. Oh wait, and let's name a space maneuver after my character."
If that was too much of the plot for any readers out there, be assured, there's plenty left and none of it worth anyone's time or money. For Trekkies, this is a poor extended episode. For those less interested in Star Trek as a social movement, expect more of the same old: bad acting, utopia, bad make-up, high technology, bad scripts, and, unlike most other sci-fi movies of late, made special effects.
Rating: Trekkies, if it's assigned for a class, go ahead and see it. Everyone else, clean all the rooms of the people who live on your hall and both the men's and women's bathrooms before you venture to waste your time on this.
Copyright © 1999, The Oberlin Review.
Volume 127, Number 13, February 12, 1999
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