The San Francisco Browns?

Something in Cleveland smells bad. The smell doesn�t appear to be emanating from that peculiar green steam that rises from the Cuyahoga, nor is it associated with the pagan candles often found near miniature idols of Chief Yahoo. Perhaps it�s that loathsome Fox 8 news crew that stinks. Or even Vitaly Potapenko, the Cavs center whose pathetic jump shot has been stinking up Gund Arena for the past three weeks.

My guess, however, is that the smell has something to do with that new football stadium near the Cleveland Science Center.

For the past few weeks, the new football stadium, intended to house the new Cleveland Browns, has housed a strange odor instead. It reeks of treachery, thieves and impostors. Carmen Policy, former president of the San Francisco 49ers, and Dwight Clark, former player and director of football operations for that same franchise, have been strategically and not-so-subtly turning the new Cleveland Browns into a team that closely resembles another football franchise located � surprisingly enough � in San Francisco. You can call me paranoid, but the evidence is overwhelming.

Two weeks ago, Policy and Clark, who essentially dominate Cleveland�s front office, orchestrated a trade for tight end Irv Smith and defensive end Roy Barker, both 49ers. On Tuesday, the Browns agreed to a seven-year deal with 49ers backup quarterback Ty Detmer. J.J. Stokes, one of San Francisco�s up-and-coming wide receivers, is rumored to be next addition to a Browns franchise that has never even won a single game. All this in addition to 49ers Antonio Langham, Steve Gordon, and James Williams who were selected earlier this month in the expansion draft.

Smith and Barker may see more reunions with former 49ers teammates in the weeks to come. Smith was reported as saying the following: �There were times where, in the hot tubs, in the sauna, you�re just hanging out, being guys, and you�re talking. And you�re talking about down the road. I can�t tell you how many ears and how many lips I heard it from, but I do know there are quite a few guys who had their eyeballs pointed like, �You know what? That would be a great place to play.��

Wait a minute � do my ears deceive? Cleveland? A great place to play? Who do these guys think they�re kidding? Regardless of the fact that the Browns � a lowly expansion team � have virtually no chance of winning a Super Bowl anytime in the next decade, who would give up the natural beauty of the Bay Area for the industrial wasteland that is Cleveland? Bernie Kosar? Drew Carey?

The Browns� acquisitions of former 49ers is not limited to players; the San Francisco front office has been raided as well. Joe Collins, former coordinator of pro personnel for the 49ers, recently accepted a position as director of player personnel for the Browns, a move that required the special permission of the NFL because so many 49ers were being kidnapped. Unfortunately, the league condoned the move and, in doing so, indirectly endorsed the kind of piracy that allows new franchises to strip previously existing teams of their talent.

So what gives? My initial hunch was that this is Policy�s sick way of stabbing former friend and 49ers boss Eddie Debartolo in the back. Further investigation led me to believe that Clark and Bill Walsh, now president of the 49ers and Clark�s old coach, are involved in some sort of elaborate cross-country conspiracy. In the end, all I could come up with was that Cleveland, deprived of any championship teams for so many years, is looking to steal some of San Francisco�s good athletic karma. So don�t be surprised if you see Jerry Rice on a milk carton sometime in the near future.