Dean
Goldsmith Shares View of Men and Sexual Violence
To
the Editor:
It
should not be difficult for a man to imagine himself as an opponent
of sexual violence. After all, the majority of men are not perpetrators
of sexual violence. Yes, it is true that any man could be a rapist,
but he could be any of a million other marvelous or horrible things.
It is far easier to imagine oneself within a healthy majority which
approaches women and sex respectfully, rather than in a minority
which perpetrates violence.
However for men to become genuine opponents of sexual violence,
they must develop their powers of empathy and learn to listen very
well. To begin with, men ought to actively challenge language that
supports the idea that sex is a trophy that one wins from of a woman
by guile or trickery. Dja get any? This is a version
of sex that confirms the masculinity of insecure men and turns women
into sexual objects. Sadly, men in the U.S. are socialized to the
idea that sex is something which women have and which
they must get. It is an idea that endangers women and
that diminishes the humanity of men. We can find far better ways
of thinking about this.
There are at least three progressively enlightened ways in which
men might be encouraged to feel invested in eradicating sexual violence.
At the most basic level, predicated entirely on concern for self,
men should care about sexual assault because they can get into terrible
trouble if they dont. After murder, there may no more monstrous
a crime than rape, and men convicted of rape can face dreadful,
life-altering consequences.
A somewhat more thoughtful man might wish to put an end to sexual
assault because the person being assaulted may one day be his sister,
or mother, or partner. This is a kind of self-interest that has
been modestly extended to include a narrowly-defined version of
us, my folk.
I hope that men might be pressed to see a still larger picture and
care about putting an end to sexual violence out of a sense of the
common humanity with every potential victim/survivor of sexual assault.
Sexual violence against one person diminishes the humanity of everyone.
If we hate other human beings enough to treat them as objects, there
is probably something in our own humanity that we hate. Conversely
it requires acceptance of ones own humanity to be open to
and deserving of the mutuality of fully consensual sex.
Sex that includes an element of coercion does not always constitute
sexual violence, but it does undermine the life-affirming pleasure
that ought to be the goal of fully realized adult sexuality. Seduction,
for example, is a game that two people can play with total mutuality,
but it can also be used manipulatively by one person against another.
While like alcohol, seduction can play either a positive or a negative
role in sexual behavior, when abused, seduction and alcohol obscure
another persons will and desire and immeasurably compromise
consent.
Men need to understand that two people, even two people in love
(or in lust), do not necessarily want the same things. It can be
disappointing to go without something that your body seems to be
telling you that you need. But unfulfilled sexual desire
has never been fatal nor for that matter caused injury (that thing
you heard is a myth).
People can also change their minds about what they want, even as
they appear to be pursuing it. It is important that individuals
signal to one another their wishes and desires, and one cannot expect
ones sexual partner to be telepathic. But men do have a special
responsibility to pay attention and to develop an appreciation for
the signals in whatever form they come.
Sex among consenting adults is private behavior, and no institution
or agency should presume to have any authority over it. Violence,
on the other hand, must be a societal concern. Since an act of sexual
intimacy can so quickly become an act of violence, the dangers for
women, men, and their community are powerful and present.
Sex has been pathologized for too long; there is already far too
much anxiety around sex for young adults and neither men nor women
should be paralyzed out of fear that their behavior will be misunderstood.
As long as men recognize their own humanity in the eyes of their
partner, they will be able to understand the difference between
an act of violence and an act of love.
Peter Goldsmith
Dean of Students
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