Andy
Schwab Graces Community
To
the Editors:
On
the evening of Tuesday, April 2, I made a discovery of paramount
importance to the entire campus community, and I know it is my duty
to share this discovery with all of you: for who among you would
not like to know his God?
Perhaps youve seen Andy Schwab around campus, or have been
fortunate enough to catch sight of him during one of his rare appearances
at Oberlins fine drinking establishments. Elusive and reclusive
as he is, Im sure youd recognize him were he pointed
out to you on the street. A tall, full-bodied young man of regal
deportment, he does his best to blend in at Oberlin, to dress, act
and speak like an average student, and he successfully minimizes
the glaring contrast between his natural nobility and the meaner
natures of those populating his world. But Ive always been
able to see through this carefully crafted façade
sadly necessary for Andy to maintain in order to live normally among
us, the groundlings, his obvious inferiors right from the
first glorious day we spent rooming together three and a half short
years ago. How keen were my original intuitions! How exciting, to
have been skirting the edge of such a magnificent revelation, a
revelation which Andy has finally and benevolently chosen to disclose
to me (me!) in all of its dizzying magnitude!
Friends, we are all ideas in the mind of Andy Schwab. He is our
God, our maker, and we are but slight threads in the tapestry of
existence which Andy has so delicately woven. Our ground of being
is the divinely fertile soil that is His mind and spirit, and we
are all unknowable and unrealizable without reference to Andy. We
are but airy spirits provisionally haunting His waking dream, gossamer
extras included for atmospheric effect in the show that Andy, and
Andy alone, is the true star of. And his dream constitutes the only
life and world we will ever know, His story, and our reality, only
enduring so long as He wills it to.
Knowing this, would it not be wise to at least attempt to appease
him? If you happen to run into Andy, why not shake his hand, and
thank him for allowing for the possibility of your existence? For
He is not a jealous God, or a wrathful God, but a chummy God, and
will surely be delighted by any open displays of worship and veneration.
One surefire way to please your God is to buy him drinks at the
Feve: whoever is brave enough to attempt such direct communication
with his maker will be rewarded his rightful place in heaven, or
at the very least a few more bonus-years of life on
Andys green earth.
David
Shernoff
College senior
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