What Would Nina Do?
by Nina

Dear Nina,
O my God. I’ve been dating this hot guy all semester, a catch because he’s seriously classy. He managed to look like a million bucks, but not a pussy, in a Euro-chic yuppie kind of way through the winter months. With the sudden onslaught of balmy weather, his summer wardrobe has emerged from the depths of his closet, and it includes leather man-sandals and capri-pants! Hi! What am I supposed to do with that? Be seen in public? My friends say I am too judgmental, but please.
—Joan Rivers

Dear Joan,
So people accuse you of being too judgmental? Well you’ve come to the right place, as I would fling no such charges considering the situation. Clearly, no one in her right mind would be caught dead canoodling in public with a mandal-clad yuppie.
Jesus Christ I’m glad I’m not you. If I were, I guess I would just sort of tease him in a not-too-mean way and then take him shopping or something. We are in Ohio here, not L.A. Get him some flip-flops and a reality check at the mall.—Nina

Dear Nina,
I’m a senior and single. My concept for this spring is casual dating with the emphasis on casual, the added emphasis on me getting laid without ending up at Black River the next morning. I need to go out with a bang, have flings, hook up with all my crushes, as they’ve accumulated in the past four years. How do I maneuver smoothly?
—Smooth Criminal

Dear Biggie,
I understand the urge to “rage “ in these last few months, but the problem remains, as it tends to prevail for singles, that this sort of spree in nonchalant groping can mean Trouble (note the capital T).
Dating is incredibly stressful. It seems that one should be able to smooch various people, give it a chance and if it doesn’t work out, move on. Perfection in theory, but in practice, rarely painless for both parties. One person invariably wants more than the other, unless both are poised for coexistence (which is obviously gross). Therefore, you are always being hurt or feeling bad when your being honest hurts someone else.
I have a proposition that will change the face of dating forever: the dating pre-nup. I know I said a couple weeks ago (as if anyone reads this enough to note inconsistencies…) that Oberlin kids have too many premature Talks, but you people evidently can’t break that habit, so maybe we should pursue the opposite extreme; enter the pre-nup. This means getting the terms on the table before romance ensues and honesty becomes an abstract, slightly amusing, horrifying impossibility.
The pre-nup is to be utilized in cases where you are not interested in being held responsible for anyone’s emotional well-being. I say make it clear before you’re in too deep. It’s the “it’s me, not you” line before it sounds like a lie. (I’m a genius). This sets the boundaries that, when unstable, ultimately prompt Talking. This would also take a lot of the excitement out of an affair, but after all, I’m suggesting a replacement to Talks and heinous break-ups.
—Nina

Dear Nina,
My best friend is dating this girl and has turned into a total fucking chump, never wants to wrestle or drink with me anymore. What’s worse, the only time I can spend any time with him he’s like lying all over her licking her face in public. What the fuck?
—Disgruntled Dude

Dear Third Wheel,
Sucks to be you. Your friend is a huge tool-box, as is the entirety of cuddly picnickers outside Mudd. What’s up? Stop. Unfortunately, there is little to be done, because when normal people turn into baby-talking fools, they’re already far gone in many ways.
I’d say avoid them and try to make concrete plans with your friend individually, so you are not always hoping to somehow catch him home alone, which sounds unlikely. While I fully agree that public displays of blubbering idiocy are cause to feel distinctly uncomfortable, be happy for your friend too. They won’t stay this annoying for long, one hopes. And your relationship with him will probably outlast this one so don’t be too jealous.
—Nina