Over Spring Break, Oberlin’s men’s Ultimate squad, the Flying Horsecows, traveled down to Statesboro, Georgia, where they attended the annual Southern Invitational Frisbee Tournament hosted by Georgia Southern University. Southern attracts many college teams from around the country, including national contenders such as Tufts, UC-San Diego and Brown. The Horsecows set out to prove that they could play with the big boys as they prepared for a long day of work under the unrelenting Georgia heat.
The ’Cows’ first match came against regional rival University of Indiana who, arriving fifteen minutes after game-time, presented a loosely assembled group of ragtag underclassmen and weathered middle-aged mulleteers. Determined to come out strong and make an impression upon the gawky group of disassociated crossroadians, the ’Cows trampled the mismatched plainsmen with a flurry of crisp throws.
Co-captain Mike “Degs” Degnan employed a healthy arsenal of throws; this, combined with senior Aaron “Barbie” Webber’s remarkable display of thundering dives, layouts and slides with complete disregard for his body’s well-being, furnished Oberlin with the 13-7 victory.
After the win, Dan “Cory” Greif scratched his chin and spoke, “Isn’t Axl Rose from Indiana? That paranoid angst makes a lot more sense now.” He then began to sporadically gurgle and moan in a high-pitched fashion while playing air guitar.
It seemed as though some fatalistic lunatic sardonicism was pitted against the Horsecows, for their very next game in the far-off land of Statesboro was once again a regional rival. This time, the ’Cows faced a much more worthy adversary in the form of Ohio State University’s Leadbelly.
Oberlin initiated the contest unfazed by the exceptional ugliness and odious stench of OSU’s players, capitalizing on the ubiquitous cuts of Wilson “The Principal” Skinner and savvy deliberative patience of Brian “Goatse” Woliner to take a quick 5-2 lead. OSU called a quick timeout, gasping for air and collecting the remnants of their tattered offense and obliterated defense. However, Oberlin allowed their greasy-skinned competitors to roll en route to a 13-7 victory that set Ohio State’s stained teeth a-glowing.
The ’Cows were caught in a whirlwind of reseeding and found themselves going up against the giant Viking men of St. Olaf College’s Berserkers.
Still reeling from the vortex of psychological unrest that had taken place during the OSU game, the ’Cows struggled to trade points with their mighty Norwegian opponents, limping into halftime down 7-5. One of the only bright sides to the Horsecow’s dismal play was the sure-handedness of junior Will “Miller” Miller, whose sprightly sprints and fluid leaps into the air were outmatched only by his unquenchable spirit. The ’Cows were unable to rally a response in the second half, falling to Olaf 13-8.
After the game, sophomore Ted “The Bear” Olds posited this thought:, “What a bunch of dumb Swedes. At least I speak English, you goddamned foreigners!”
The Flying Horsecows saw a detestable perversion of their mighty mascot looming on the horizon in the form of Tufts’ Flying Elephant Men. Angered by this rancorous, lamentable abomination, the Horsecows rallied around the poetically mesmerizing hucks of Nick “Zonkalicious” Calabrese and the unapologetic bruiser defense of Clark “Dirty C” Ainsworth, stepping on the E-Men’s trunks with a 3-1 lead. Tufts slowly and methodically took advantage of Oberlin’s fatigue and regained the lead. However, Oberlin forced many a turnover and kept the game close until Tufts outlasted the tired ’Cows to a 9-7 victory, after a time cap had been set.
“I didn’t know teams from the Boston area actually won games,” quoted Braden "The Raven" Paynter.
As the sun began to set on Southern skies, Oberlin searched in vain for a much needed victory against Williams College’s WUFO. The ’Cows quickly allayed concerns of exhaustion and inconsistency by stringing together a succession of points through squirrelly handler cuts from Brendan “B-Jar” Curran and visceral, rabid physical play from Michael “MKD” Kramer-Duffield. Oberlin took the half from Williams and tossed it all over the field to bring the count to 7-2. Williams resounded with a quick succession of points to even the score and eventually take the lead on Oberlin.
With the win going to the first team to score 13 points, Oberlin received the disc and patiently worked it up the field before throwing it deep to first-year phenom Ethan “Golden Child” Witkovsky in the end zone. Williams received the disc on double game point, and with the tenacious indefatigable Oberlin defense breathing down their necks, turned the disc over. Oberlin once again threw the disc to Witkovsky in the end zone and won the game 13-11.
Asked to comment on the day’s performance, co-captain James “Jailbait” Burris remarked, “I’m not really sure how today’s games went, since I clawed my eyes out around lunchtime. I was really frustrated with our play. Plus, one of those African beetle things crawled into my ear and started gnawing at my brain.” He then began to laugh uncontrollably.
While the Flying Horsecows were not entirely complacent with their 2-3 performance on the first day of Spring Break, they saw the more promising moments of the day to hopefully be an indicator of things to come at regionals, the biggest tournament of the year hosted by Oberlin itself on the first weekend of May.

Brenden Curran is a junior member of the Flying Horsecows.