Sports Shorts

Athlete of the Week

Kyle Neumeier is a sophomore baseball player from Palos Verdes, California.

In the team’s 24 games this season, Neumeier has put up great numbers, including a .365 batting average and 27 hits, second on the team behind senior Zachary Pretzer.

He also leads the team in seveal offensive categories, including RBIs (21), total bases (45) and slugging percentage (.608).

On the defensive side, Neumeier starts at catcher and is an intimidating force to be reckoned with, weighing in at over 225 solid pounds.

In a recent game, Neumeier’s speed and force showed as he ran over the opposing team’s catcher, knocking him down. Although Neumeier was out, a bench-clearing brawl nearly started over the play.

The team will take on Hiram College this Saturday at 1 p.m.

In the Locker Room With . . .

This week we interviewed first-year Jared Picard from the men’s lacrosse team. The team has racked up three wins this season and Jared leads the conference in saves, with more than the next two goalies combined.

Last weekend the Yeomen had a tough loss to Washington and Jefferson when an 8-3 lead was lost in the fourth quarter, ultimately losing 10-8. What are your feelings on this game, and what do you think happened to lose the commanding lead?

JP: To be honest; I don’t know what happened; you know, sometimes you lose. Or a lot of times you lose. But then sometimes you lose. That’s basically what happened. You can’t win them all. There are certain games this year that we really thought we’d win and both W&J games we thought we had it, but we just fell apart at the end for one reason or another.

This week men’s lacrosse takes on Wheeling Jesuit, a Division II college. What are your thoughts on this challenge?

JP: Personally I don’t trust anything from West Virginia, but that’s just me.

There has to be something good there.

JP: No.

Am I misinformed again?

JP: Maybe, check your sources. I just farted.

That’s my chair! Anyways, the team is looking at having around 20 or more players next season. How do you think this will affect how competitive the team is and how the season will turn out?

JP: Well, now that our team has decided to try recruiting…as an approach…for the first time in years…I think that it can only be good. Everyone is going to have to work harder to earn spots. The 11 best are going to play, so everyone is going to compete which will be great.

So you lead the conference in saves. In fact, not only do you
lead in saves, but you have more than the next two goalies combined. What do you attribute to this?

JP: The other goalies are just pussies. They need to step it up. Save percentage is really what you have to go by though. I have around 62 percent, the guy above me is around 63 with the one below me at 60, give or take half a percent on all of those.

I heard you completely missed your room appointment.
Does this mean you’ll be living on the North Fields next year or with a guy named Hazznot bin Laid who doesn’t wear deodorant in an open double?

(At this point Jared picks up the phone and frantically calls his current roommate asking why they don’t have a room yet. The words “I don’t even know where Peters is” are heard. Jared then bribes his roommate with ravioli to go and check on their room appointment time.)

What is it that the men’s lacrosse team is doing to bring in such a large recruiting class next season?

JP: The reason I came here was because I had such a fun time on my prospie visit, and we don’t have to go into details, let’s just say it involved [Jared searches for non-incriminating words] jumping off of a roof, diving down a flight of stairs, Doogie Howser and baking soda. So I try to give my prospies the same sort of experience when they visit.

That’s disturbing. God help us. Okay, we’re gonna try something new for this week to try and get into the head of the interviewee. I’m going to ask you five random questions, and you have to tell me the first answer that comes to mind.

JP: Okay.

Favorite color?

JP: Mother of pearl, close tie with perriwinkle blue.

Favorite food?

JP: Pesto.

What the hell is pesto?

JP: It’s a sauce.

Oh yeah. Favorite animal?

JP: Duckbilled platypus.

Place in Oberlin you wish you could get laid?

JP: In the kitchen in a vat of pesto.

Okay, as we can see, this segment of the interview was a horrible example of crashing and burning and will never be done again. You are a disturbing individual. Mostly because I now have the mental image of you naked in a vat of pesto. Is there anything else you’d like to say to scar my mind forever?

JP: Well if I had to choose, it would probably involve ice cubes, a nine iron, a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety reasons, and my third grade English teacher. So hot, want to touch the hiny.

I don’t even know what to say, thanks for coming by — I think.