Outside Oberlin

Those Peanuts and Cracker Jack are Going to Cost You

Once upon a time, baseball was the national pastime, and trips to the local ballpark were nothing less than mandatory bonding time for fathers and sons throughout the land. During an era before crass commercialism and free agency brought the game to its knees, baseball seemed pure, almost poetic. It was an American tradition as time-honored as apple pie, Levi's jeans and Ted Nugent, and an afternoon at the ballpark was cheap and affordable fun for the whole family. Thus, it was hardly surprising that fans piled into stadiums around the country to see their favorite teams play while gorging themselves on hot dogs, peanuts and beer.

Unfortunately, times have changed, and baseball has changed with them. In most cities, the cost of Major League baseball tickets has risen to alarming heights, pricing most blue-collar fans out of the market for decent seats. But even those fortunate souls who can still afford a day at the ballpark will find their wallets equally drained by greedy vendors and overpriced parking garages. To be sure, it's a no-win proposition for thrifty fans who want nothing more than to sit back and enjoy an afternoon of professional hardball without mortgaging their homes to do it.

With that in mind, several members of the Review staff recently took a road trip to Jacobs Field to catch an exciting weekend series between the Boston Red Sox and their arch-rivals, the Cleveland Indians. During their time at the park, they uncovered a few secrets that will allow even the most stingy fan to derive maximum pleasure from any game for a minimum cost. Here's what they learned over the course of the weekend:

Don't Be Late to the Game: Traffic jams and sporting events go hand in hand, so it's best to arrive at the game at least two hours before the first pitch is thrown. With that much time to spare, you might even be lucky enough to find a free parking space, but those simply don't exist in most major cities. Thus, you will be forced to swallow your pride and patronize one of the many parking garages that surround the ballpark. Typically, the price of parking is more expensive than the cost of a cheap game ticket, but no one ever said that life is fair. Your best bet is to show up early and compare the prices at different garages. If you're willing to park a few blocks from the stadium, you might be able to find some decent rates; otherwise, you will be forced to shell out anywhere from $10 to $20 for a space. You can save yourself this hassle by taking public transportation to the game, but that too is unavailable in certain cities.

Large Pockets Are Essential: Unless you are prepared to eat before or after the game, you'd better come prepared with big pockets stuffed with food and beverages. Sure, it's traditional to pick up a hot dog from one of the concession stands that line the hallways of every Major League ballpark, but do you really want to pay $3.50 for the sake of tradition? These days, the cheapest snack at the stadium is likely to cost you no less than $2, and that's a generous estimate. Therefore, you must smuggle as much food into the stadium as your pockets will allow. And don't try to get cute by waltzing into the park with a loaded backpack. It will be searched, your lunch will be confiscated by a crew of bloated security guards, and you will be filled with bitter rage for the duration of the game.

Always Buy Two Beers: Once you're inside the stadium, you will probably discover that your seat, located in Section 557, Row Z, is closer to Mars than home plate. It is then that the search for uninhabited seats begins. If you're patient, you should wait to upgrade your seats until the middle innings, when most ushers make their way to the closest rest rooms or take a cigarette break. But if you can't wait to find a comfortable spot down by the first-base dugout, you should head directly to the concession stands and buy a couple of beers. That's not to say you should drown your frustrations in an overpriced cup of Schlitz, however; the beers are simply props. More often than not, unsuspecting ushers will not ask to inspect your ticket if they see that your hands are full. So grab some drinks and head to the section of your choice. Remember to look confident. Any usher worth his silly suit will call your bluff if you're standing around looking confused. Instead, scope out a pair of vacated seats in advance and walk right to them when the opportunity presents itself. And don't panic if some wandering couple claims that you're sitting in their seats; just apologize and move to the closest available seat without causing a scene. That way, your rouse will go undetected.

Talk to the Ushers: Once you have stolen a decent seat, your options are limited. You can protect your territory for the rest of the game, resisting the urge to explore the stadium and its ultra-sanitary rest rooms, or you can take the chance that you will be able to fool the same usher twice with your clever tricks. There is a simpler way to guarantee that you can sneak back into that lovely field box, however. Summon all your courage and walk right up to the usher. Yes, you heard right. Ask him a question. Start a meaningless conversation. Whatever the case, make sure that he will recognize you the next time you walk into his section. If he remembers you, he will no longer wish to inspect your ticket, and you will have found a good home for the rest of the game - all for the price of a cheap bleacher seat.

Save Your Old Ticket Stubs: When you first enter the stadium, ushers will want to check the dates on your tickets. But once you've made your way into the ballpark, those same ushers will only be interested in your seat location. Thus, grab an old pair of your best tickets and flash them at the game. You'd be surprised at how many times that old trick will win you a free pass to some great seats.

Make Your Post-Game Plans Early: Once the game is over, the traffic jams begin again, but this time they're even worse than before. After all, fans filter into the stadium for hours before every game, but most fans stay at the ballpark until the bottom of the ninth, determined to get their money's worth. Therefore, it is wise to make post-game plans in the vicinity of the stadium. Hit the local bars. Make dinner plans with your family. (There's a great little sushi joint called Ginza located approximately four blocks from Jacobs Field.) Whatever you do, take your time. Otherwise, you're just going to be sitting in your car for a good hour after the last pitch is thrown.

So your game plan is mapped out. Now all you need to do is find some way to get into Jacobs Field, which has been sold out for every Indians home game during the past five years. But once you get inside the door, you should have no trouble grabbing a nice pair of seats behind home plate. And if you want some peanuts and Cracker Jack, just make sure you have them stuffed into one of your pockets before you enter the stadium.