A New Club Sport at Oberlin: Dwarf Tossing?
BY ZACH PRETZER
From “Mini-Me,” the popular character in the sequel Austin Powers 2 to Fantasy Island, dwarves have been getting more and more popular in recent years.
A dwarf, or a “little person” as the politically correct say, is defined as a “fully grown person, animal or plant of less than normal size for its species or kind,” according to the dictionary.
These people suffer from a medical condition, appropriately called “dwarfism,” which is a severely limiting handicap.
Many dwarves seek jobs in entertainment, but some little people are now earning a living due to the creation of a new “sport” — dwarf tossing. Yes, you heard correctly. This actually involves throwing people like Gary Coleman for sport — your inhumane track and field shot put, if you will.
Dwarf tossing is a sport and a form of entertainment that has unsurprisingly become more and more controversial as of late. The object is to throw a dwarf as far as possible; whoever throws the dwarf the farthest wins a cash prize or trophy, plus the admiration of the spectators who are watching the tossing. The dwarves wear protective knee and elbow padding, a neck brace and helmets and to minimize the chance of injury, they are sometimes thrown into a pile of mattresses.
What is most completely messed up about this process is that the dwarves voluntarily take part in the sport, and can actually make up to six figures in income by going on tour. So, is this the next club sport at Oberlin College? Wow, I might be setting myself to get mauled by politically correct students for even mentioning that. Of course, Mini-Me-Missles won’t be making an appearance on North Fields any time in the future, or landing on any dorm mattress for that matter, but this is actually a form of entertainment for a select messed up few that has greatly grown in popularity.
The sport originated in Australia as a contest among professional bouncers. The winning thug claims to have thrown a little fellow roughly 30 feet, but that record is unofficial because there is no international sports organization that sanctions dwarf tossing.
The game spread from Australia to England, where a truck driver won the first-ever-British Dwarf-Throwing Championship with a toss of 11 feet and five inches. Although the dwarves who take part in the sport are rarely harmed, one of the problems is that there are no guidelines about the size of the person being tossed. Hell, The Rock could take part in a dwarf-tossing competition if he wanted. In honor of my Outside Oberlin partner in crime this week, Ian Haynes, I propose that the NBA initiates a new rule in which players get to toss each other into the basket, rather than the old-fashioned round ball. What could more entertaining than Shaquille O’Neal tossing Mugsy Bogues from the free throw line? He might even make that one.
Perhaps this is what our sports world has come to. Our society is close to the point in which human degradation is a main focal point of sport. Of course, professional wrestling is the prime example of this — a “sport” in which gender and social discrimination take front stage for the eyes of viewers across the country.
The whole XFL thing didn’t really work, so they might as well try starting a professional dwarf tossing league. Haven’t we already exhausted every avenue in which to make something into a sport? Maybe professional dwarf tossing wouldn’t be that big of a step considering what we have already done.
Sports today are more based on the spectator than skill — people want to see the slam dunks, not the three-point shooting. People would rather see a professional wrestler slam a chair over someone’s head and down a Natty Light than see a real sport which involves real athletes.
Let’s not take the next step and throw little people around on prime-time television. The last thing we need is Marv Albert and Bob Costas commenting on how Spudd Webb came out of retirement and flew a record 80-feet for a game-winning three-pointer.
The Top Ten Reasons Why the NBA Is Just Awful
BY IAN HAYNES
Can you remember when NBA basketball was fun to watch? When the season consisted of 82 games and not 82 soap operas? The NBA today is nothing more than a primetime drama and that is why I hate to watch it.
If I were given the choice of going to watch an NBA playoff game tonight or be forced piss gallstones there is no doubt in my mind that I would choose to piss for a week. The NBA nowadays looks like professional wrestling and I wouldn’t be surprised if Vince McMahon attempted to buy it. If I wanted a drama full of bad acting when I turn my television on I would watch Dawson’s Creek. This is what the NBA has come to and here is why I think so.
So in no particular order here are the reasons the NBA blows:
Rasheed Wallace (Portland Trailblazers) — Exactly how many technical fouls is too many? He obviously hasn’t hit the mark yet. Maybe when it reaches one a game the league will get the message that he needs an anger management course, or maybe he just needs to go back to first grade and learn that you don’t always get your way.
The Phoenix Suns — I heard that it is really hard to field a team when everyone is in jail. It’s a good thing that Coach Scott Skiles has a deep checkbook. I wonder how many of the players have clauses in their contract allowing them to miss practice or games for “extenuating circumstances”?
Defense? — What are you talking about? Defense? Is that German for offense? Long gone are the days when scoring 100 points was an accomplishment and scoring 90 points consistently won you games. Nowadays averaging 100 points a game won’t even get you into the playoffs.
Mark Cuban (owner, Dallas Mavericks) — Dear God, where do I start? The man has been fined over half a million. $500,000 if you want to see the 0’s, this year alone. Why don’t we just start with the most recent. After his Mavericks went down 0-2 to the Utah Jazz in the playoffs, the usually irate owner showed a softer side when he blew a kiss to the Jazz coach Jerry Sloan. Other antics the crazy Cuban has done this year include charging the court, grabbing his throat in protest of a referee’s call (that one cost him an even hundred grand) and going on national television to protest a referees call. Someone needs to tell this guy that just because he has money doesn’t mean he can be a dumbass.
No MJ — Come on, we all know that Michael Jordan WAS basketball. Rumor has it that Mike is going to make a triumphant return for the THIRD time. My advice to Mike is to stay as far away from the game as possible. The league is so far gone that not even the master can help it.
Shaq — He is a behemoth. Teams used to be able to foul him to contain him but not even that is a possibility anymore because he started knocking down free throws. Maybe the league should make a mandatory rule that Shaq has to play on his knees to even the playing field.
Canada — I thought it was the NATIONAL Basketball Association, not the INTERNATIONAL Basketball Association.
Who are these guys? — Ever heard the saying, “You miss a week, you miss a lot”? That seems to be holding true in the NBA. Granted, I quit watching regularly a long time ago, but you should still be able to flip to the game and recognize one or two players on the court. That is not the case as the game has moved from a skilled game to an athletic game. Every team wants that player who can take off at the foul line and jump over three people on his way to the rim, not that player who will consistently knock down long range bombs in pressure situations.
The Utah Jazz — Don’t these guys know when to retire? Karl Malone and John Stockton have to be closing in on triple digits in age. I heard that Utah has some really competitive nursing home leagues that are looking for a few good players.
“Dubya” likes it — Actually I don’t know if this is true or not, but anything with this much chaos has to draw a fan like George W. Bush into it. Besides if he didn’t, wouldn’t the NBA have been sold to South America a long time ago?
Why do I hate the NBA? Because the game today makes a mockery of what used to be a great sport. You know the more I think about it Vince McWhatever should buy out the league. At least then people might tune in to watch Rasheed Wallace not only disagree with a call but powerbomb the referee in reaction to it.