What
Would Nina Do?
Dear
Nina,
I just got pictures back from Drag Ball and I think I might have
to, like, transfer schools. Literally. I drank a large quantity
of Southern Comfort in record time and was wearing a miniskirt.
Which was fine until I started like freaking everyone I ever met
with my balls fully hanging out my skirt. For some reason, my prime
target was the guy who’s fooling around with the girl I am
in love with. I was later told that I kept screaming, “What’s
up now, white girl?” at him also. I now have pictures of her
staring at me disgusted and shocked.
Next, the heel on my shoe broke off so I spent the rest of the night
hobbling around like a gimpy crack whore until I puked on all the
clothes I borrowed and passed out in the main lounge of my dorm,
where my friends piled a bunch of garbage all over me, took pictures,
and left me to be mocked by everyone who walked through the dorm.
I remember nothing, but unfortunately there is ample documentation.
I am never drinking again.
–Hung Over Like a Mule
Sorry
Sucker,
Yeah, there’s not much I can work with here. When your balls
are on Broadway, the best thing you can do is joke about it since
everyone else will. But don’t go overboard with that because
you’ll only look more pathetic for thinking college is awesome
because binge-drinking provides such amazing anecdotes. As for the
girl, just let her know that you are embarrassed and know you are
a total loser. Eventually that image of you will fade if you let
her see the smoother side often enough.
Aside from that, just wait it out. Time just has to pass —
maybe a lot of time. At least it’s spring. After the summer
it won’t be such a big deal. Only your very best friends will
talk about it forever and put the pictures on their fucking web
pages or something cool like that.
—Nina
Dear Nina,
I
am a sophomore living in Keep, where there is a serious Goth-Chic
revival taking place. I am a surfer girl from Santa Cruz but I feel
like I need a more East Coast look to fit in. I really want to be
friends with these girls because they’re way deep, but how
do I make the shift? They think I’m vapid because I wear colors
and gesture when I talk… help!
–Makeover
Manson
Dear
Marilyn,
Make a serious B-line for Hot Topic, right after you check yourself.
I mean, you have to decide first: do they think you’re vapid
because you have a skateboard, or do they think you’re vapid
because you are vapid?
Luckily, I don’t care if you are and I think it would only
be funny if more people were wearing kabuki makeup and corsets,
quoting Lord Byron while painting their nails black or whatever.
I mean, I don’t know you but I absolutely love to picture you
hiking up your crushed-velvet frock to run the Hobart in Keep kitchen.
Darkness is obviously and unconditionally “way deep.”
Can you handle it? If the clique still won’t accept you, you
could always one-up them all and kill yourself.
–Nina
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