Canada Must Be Stopped Now

To the Editors:

I’m writing in response to Benjamin Holt’s outrageous letter, entitled “Student Demands Canadian Studies Program Now,” which was printed in the April 5 issue of The Oberlin Review. This cowardly individual whines that the Oberlin Department of Politics teaches about “Uzbekistan and Transjordan” while ignoring his “homeland.” Well Mr. Holt, ignoring that dreadful nation of yours is the smartest thing the department could do.
I was born and raised in the great state of Minnesota, home to such true patriots as Navy Seal/Governor Jesse Ventura and the great Theologian Tammy Faye Baker. Being from a border state, I can attest to the real threat that Canadia poses to our great land. Did you know that more than 75 percent of the Canadian population lives within 100 miles of the U.S./Canadian border? I would say that’s rather suspicious. Seems like a military build-up to me. In addition, there are thousands upon thousands of “sleeper” Canadians living within our border, going to our schools (Mr. Holt), attending our churches, and leading seemingly normal American lives. BUT…as soon as Prime Minister Jean Chrétien gives the signal (most likely through a pre-recorded television message) these individuals will strike against our unprepared nation.
Popular culture tends to portray Canadians as passive, friendly individuals with not a care in the world. We are endeared by the way that they turn every statement into a question, eh? We drink their beer and share national pastimes (though while we are obviously quite proficient at their game, they are quite awful at ours — c’mon the EXPOS?). This is all a façade designed to fool us! Who would ever expect those Commies up north to harm the greatest power on Earth? If Al-Qaeda can do it, so can Al-Canada. Canadians are all true Evildoers. On Jan. 29 our President George W. Bush, a fine man indeed, presented to the world the new Axis of Evil: North Korea, Iraq, and Iran. To him I appeal, please add Canada to the list. They must be stopped. While I would suggest annexing Canada all together, the more likely step would be to build a giant wall on the border separating our two nations to prevent further evil-doers from sneaking into our land. We must round up all Canadians living in the United States, especially the troublemakers like Mr. Holt, put them in detention centers and try them via Military Tribunals. Their crimes may not yet be apparent, but that is of no concern. WE MUST STOP CANADA NOW!
P.S. Because this is AMERICA and we speak AMERICAN here, this letter will not be written in two languages, especially some sissy language like FRENCH!

–Jesse Kanson-Benanav
College junior