College Should Sell Naming Priveleges

To the Editors:

Oberlin College is out of money. I got my first clue in the mail recently in the form of an advertisement from the Alumni Association inviting me to buy “the official Oberlin College wrist watch.” At first I was flattered! Of all the famous and respected Oberlin graduates, they have chosen me to bestow this one of a kind piece of memorabilia upon? This must have something to do with the tireless work I did in rebuilding Wilder Hall after the legendary tornado of ’99! But upon reading further, I realized that “the official Oberlin College wrist watch” was not, in fact a cultural heirloom, but rather a shameless promotional item massed produced by Seiko and available to anybody with two hundred dollars and a telephone. At that point I became suspicious. My alma mater hawking the sort of low-end jewelry more commonly associated with QVC? Something must be terribly wrong.
My suspicions were confirmed when a current member of the Oberlin community informed me that not only was the college currently in a hiring freeze, but that all of the intern positions so integral to the MRC, athletic and theater departments had been eliminated. Oberlin College is clearly strapped for cash. But just as I built that raft out of Stevenson trays and rescued an entire section of freshmen and some RC in a chicken suit during the great Barrows flood of ’00, I will once again give selflessly to the college in its time of need. Don’t get excited, I’m not giving you any money. But I am giving you a solution. Two words: naming rights.
Naming rights to major arenas are now routinely sold for top dollar to eager corporations. The San Francisco 49ers play in 3comm Park. The Los Angles Lakers play in the Staples Center. At the University of Maryland, where I attend graduate school, naming rights to the new basketball arena were recently sold to Comcast for, according to official school documents, “a whole effin’ crapload.” Now granted Oberlin is a tiny school in a small town, so no single building on the campus would draw enough money to save the college from its impending economic collapse. Virtually all of the buildings on campus would probably have to pick up corporate sponsors. But imagine the possibilities!
By next fall you could be heating your Bunsen burner in the new Trojan Science Center, where every student wears protective goggles, because they practice safe science. (Except in the Ford Explorer chemistry lab, which has been known to explode every so often.) Imagine going to visit your class representative in the Colt 45 student senate office! Student Senate: it works every time. How much fun will Safer Sex Night be when it is held in the Nike student union? Just do it! Between classes, swing by the Viagra DéCafe for a cup of coffee that will keep you up all night. After a strenuous work out in the Power Plus Creatine Gymnasium, you could head over for dinner and a few drinks at the Hoolihans dining hall and cap off the night by taking in a student film in the Blockbuster screening room located on A-level of the Prozac library. Movies not your thing? How about a concert from the world’s first boy-orchestra, ’N Meter, at the Jive Records Conservatory?
But why stop at buildings? The college and the town for that matter could both use a little surplus cash. Before you know it, you, young freshman, could be attending Microsoft College Version 1.0 located in the beautiful town of Steve Forbes, Ohio.

–Jeff Harvey
OC ‘01