Resolution for College Problems

To the Editors:

As we all know, Oberlin is having all kinds of problems at the moment-budget cuts loom from every corner, we can’t pay for the extra faculty positions that we need, and horrors! We’re all stealing from CDS!! Clearly, the Oberlin student initiative needs to be harnessed to help out our school in the way that we all know we can. Taking into account the large minority of seaworthy students currently enrolled, I have a modest proposal that I believe could solve all our problems: college-sanctioned buccaneering.
I mean, think about it. Who among us hasn’t been horribly disappointed to discover that piracy is no longer an occupation pushed by Career Services? Who doesn’t secretly (or not so secretly) yearn to wear long striped socks and own parrots and use the word “avast!” like we mean it? True, Ohio doesn’t present many opportunities for keelhauling, but Oberlin students are nothing if not inventive-I have faith that our collective urge to sail the high seas and drink ourselves stupid on grog will prevail. With several hundred students all privateering around the midwestern area, in a matter of months our school could be the richest school in the nation-no problem with endowment! Spacious new dorm rooms for all! Enough hard tack to choke a co-op’s worth of starving students!
I hope this letter will spark a wildfire of movement within the student body. Do it for the adventure. Do it for the fashion. But most of all, me hearties, do it for the booty.

–Meghan Purvis
College senior