To the Editors:

Rousseau knew from whence he spoke when he said that “On the other hand, we can even less easily attribute this discovery to some accidental fire, since mines are formed only in barren places, denuded of trees and plants, so that one might say that nature has taken pains to hide this deadly secret from us.” [1]

Regardless of the pains taken by nature, the deadliest secrets of Joseph Kimmel are all too easily revealed. As one of the foremost Enlightenment thinkers, Rousseau would have been repulsed both by Kimmel’s brazen public blusterings and lavish private excesses.

Upon breaking into his apartment, our researcher discovered sights that were “never meant to see the light of day” and which “oh God made my eyes bleed oh God.” [2]

Without going into too much detail (unlike Kimmel, I have no desire to corrupt or offend any of the more sensitive membranes of society), I will say that Kimmel’s “Boiler Room of Erotic Baked Goods” and his apparent passion for the Eastern Floridsdorfian Lashing Eel were more than enough to turn the stomachs of our most hard-bitten soldiers. I only wish that it were not my lot to reveal the depths of Kimmel’s depravity, but I believe that the public has a right to know.

–Walker Evans
Double-degree junior

[1] — Jean-Jacques Rousseau, “A Discourse on Inequality,” Part Two
[2] — Colonels Mustard and Sanders, in conversation, 2/17/04