<< Front page Commentary April 9, 2004

Halitosis from dog food?

To the Editors:

The vicious smear campaign recently begun by your mom is surpassed only by one Mr. Walker “If that is his real name” Evans.

Several weeks ago when this upstanding young denizen mentioned the agreement reached regarding his fibula in the NATO Charter, he neglected to mention the anxious little detail that all advertising rights were given over to the Sony “If that is their real name” Corporation.

Upon learning of this news, one must pause and question the motives behind Mr. Evans’s recent claims protruding to my regular ingestion of this so-called “dog food.”

While it would be felicitous to claim that I did not engage in dog food with that woman, perhaps a more apt response would be to question which brand of muttly comestibles were ostensibly taken in? Who owns stock in said brand?

Needless to say, an in-depth investigation of this question turned up several bubble-gum wrappers and a trail, which led all the way to the president of our college, Nancy Dye herself.

Tune in tomorrow for more on this special investigative report expose [1] — “The Corporate Stranglehold on North America, Particularly the Lower Pedal Appendage of Walker Evans.”

–Joe Kimmel
Double-degree junior


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