Friday the 13th much more enjoyable than Valentine's Day

So we were sitting in the quad recently, and one of my math geek friends was talking about Friday the 13th. He had figured out how often it occurred, why it occurred, and how you could tell from the first day of the year or month when it would occur. As it happens, Friday the 13th occurs in any given month once every six years, until you hit a leap year, in which case the period is 13 years. "I do it because it helps to de-mystify it," he told me. "If I understand it, I can't be suspicious."

This year, as I'm sure you're well aware, Valentine's Day falls on the Saturday after Friday the 13th, and frankly, Friday is looking much more enjoyable.

I usually have good Friday the 13ths; it's like I'm being rewarded for looking forward to it. There's just this cloud of superstition that rises up from any large group of people on these days. I, however, look forward to it as a time when more possibilities hang in the air. But my yearning is a bit more poignant this year.

Valentine's Day. What a stupid holiday. Now look, don't get me wrong - sure, I've got math geek friends, but I just hang around with them. I'm a humanities major, a romantic. Normally it's all hearts and flowers for me, but this holiday rubs me the wrong way, so to speak. I mean, it's a more-or-less acknowledged national holiday that not everyone can celebrate. And even if you can, it feels forced, artificial. One day to express your love? What? Am I missing something about human relationships here?

And even though I know that every holiday has been turned into a boom time for some industry or another, Valentine's Day particularly irks me. Plastic costumes are cheap and fun, and I have no problem paying for food. But flowers are really expensive! Besides, it's like they're prostituting themselves. "We'll make your significant other happy if you, you know, slip us a little something for our trouble." I dislike any business that pimps for nature.

Valentine's day, in Roman times, was the feast of the goddess of feverish love, Juno (now the goddess of free e-mail). The Romans exchanged little slips of paper which determined who would be pairing up with who that night. This is a tradition I have no problem with, because everyone is included; an orgy in Wilder Main would be no problem with me. On the contrary, I'd support it wholeheartedly.

But let's see what happened when the Christians got their hands on it. Like all the other pagan holidays, they had to substitute one of theirs to chase away the old traditions, but unfortunately the only Saint they had for February 14th was St. Valentine, a noted proponent of chastity.

Why in the world did they even come near this one? I mean, these are the Christians we're talking about, the people who used to demonstrate their faith by lying next to each other naked for an entire night, not touching.

Do I sound bitter? Well, perhaps. But no matter. All you cutsey couples, I will give you Valentine's Day. Feel free to grope and fondle each other affectionately to your hearts' content; cuddle and nuzzle and kiss and do all those other things that, frankly, make me want to retch. I don't mind. I'm happy for you. No, really.

But know this as well: Friday the 13th is mine.