Save the Valentines for the truly sappy

There are certain things all good Oberlin students are supposed to believe: distrust large corporations. Be wary of the mainstream media. With just those two tenets in mind, consider Valentine's Day. If you don't have a valentine, don't worry. There's really no need to celebrate.

Valentine's Day, as I and anyone else who is bitter, cynical, and alone on the big day will tell you, is nothing more than the invention of greeting card companies and candy manufacturers who want to boost sales in the period between Christmas and Mother's Day. Those of you who think otherwise, who believe in the idea of the day celebrating love and such are obviously misled. Or you have a valentine.

Apparently, there are two Saint Valentines in the Catholic tradition. Both were martyred for their faith, but neither had a strong connection to the contemporary holiday. Apparently, this is a holiday with little real tradition. It may be connected to the belief in the Middle Ages, that birds began choosing their mates around this time of year, and so did people. There is mention of this in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. There are also connections to the Roman festival of Lupercal, a fertility feast. I remember learning this in Latin class in high school, and feeling completely vindicated in hating this "holiday." Apparently, that festival entails naked men running through the streets and striking people with sticks, thereby deeming them fertile.

Besides the fact that this holiday has no grounding in tradition ( unlike say, Christmas; the Bible clearly documents Cabbage Patch Kids and Tickle-Me-Elmo, as any true scholar will tell you ), it has some bloody associations. I ask, how can we celebrate on a day that has come to be associated with the Valentine's Day Massacre? The massacre being a mass slaying by the notorious Al Capone's gang, who brutally gunned down the men in a rival bootlegging operation on the fateful day. Try thinking of that as you exchange candy and flowers and those insipid little hearts.

Of course, I speak only from my very own specialized ivory tower of cynicism. True, there are many wonderful people in my life, but there will be no valentine for me this year. Trashing the holiday makes me feel a little better, and chances are that most people who trash this day need to feel a little better. There are some things I can be thankful for this year though, as lovers everywhere exchange gifts and sighs on the big night. Coming, as it does this year, on the heels of Friday the 13th, I can only hope for lots of disaster stories of dates gone wrong.

There's one more thing, too. From those insipid little message hearts to the boxes of fine chocolates, Valentine's Day has the best candy of any holiday by far, so you can always buy a little something just for you. Hey, you're worth it. Go home, curl up in front of a Woody Allen movie, and wallow.