Senior Finally Speaks Truth: Don’t Let Co-opers Steal From CDS

To the Editors:

Extra! Extra! Read all about it: Obies Steal from Dining Halls. Stunned masses shout, “No duh.”
This is my fourth and hopefully final year (cross your fingers, knock on wood, pray to God) at what I can say is one of the finest thieving schools in the nation. Oberlin has a long tradition of stealing and I’ll be damned if a missing womb chair or a $35,000 silverware bill is going to change that.

I still get nostalgic as I think back to my freshperson days when I’d swipe a sandwich for a midnight snack or an entire Boston cream pie just to hurl at a friend in North quad, Three-Stooges-Style. My housemates and I would still be using The Grape to (pardon the euphemism) freshen up if we hadn’t snagged that huge roll of toilet paper from the art building. The point is, we’re college students, we’re poor (those of us without trust funds, that is) and we depend on stealing to satiate our basic needs: food, slapstick, hygiene.

As per the 35k, admit one more student; that’s one more tuition; that’s $35,000 more; that’s a done deal. If you don’t like that idea, screw it. I’m a senior. I’m going to Quarter Beers. We could also just use one existing student’s tuition to pay off the debt.
I’ll pick one at random: how bout Jessica Bedwinek? She’s a theater major so it’s not like they’re dumping her tuition back into her department. Anyway if I’m going to be footing the bill for all these pilfered potatoes, then I’m sure as hell going to steal my fair share.

CDS folks, are you aware that every co-oper has one meal a week at the dining halls? Are you aware that co-opers often steal items from their own co-ops? Are you further aware that after they’ve stolen all their own utensils, it is not unheard of for a DLEC to announce, “We’re out of forks. Everybody remember to yoink some from Stevie this week”? Hmmm, take away that one meal a week policy, cut down on theft. Look into it.

At any rate, if you don’t figure out a way to get out of the red, then maybe it’s time we brought back good ol’ Marriott. They knew how to deal with thieves: Throw them in a private prison and rent them out as slave labor.

–Mike Connor
College Senior