Horsecows’ Package Gets Burned But Unit’s Okay
By Rachel Walker

“Like a tiger; he pounced just like a tiger. Grrr,” first-year Horsecow Luke “I’m your daddy” Eddins exclaimed after watching senior co-captain Mike “Waffle House” Degnan’s layout D-catch in the end zone that tied the game at 11 and brought a saucy Dayton team to its knees. The catch was one of the many highlights of Club Sectionals Ultimate Frisbee tournament last weekend in Versailles, Ohio, the traditional start to the Ultimate season for the Flying Horsecows. As usual for the first tournament of the year the ’Cows sent two teams. This year, like last year, the two teams were an evenly matched group of rookies and veterans, but instead of Fahrenheit and Celsius they sent teams Package and Unit.

Team Package started off against familiar foe Denison University. The team broke the usual Oberlin curse of the slow start, taking an early half at 7-0. Denison didn’t waste any time licking their wounds at halftime however, and quickly turned it into a game, scoring four out of the first six points after half. Oberlin regrouped, thanks to some superb hucks from sophomore handler Henry “Firecrotch” Ladd and solid leadership from Senior Barbie “damn this ground’s hard” Webber, and after realizing the game was to 15, not 13, eked out a 15-10 win despite the lack of momentum in the second half.

Next, Package faced sectional powerhouse Ohio University who, like the ’Cows, had sent two teams to Club Sectionals. OU’s teams were not split evenly, and the team Package faced had almost all of Ohio’s starters, including a strong zone defense that had Oberlin players adjusting their compression shorts in frustration. Despite chilly play from handlers Ladd, Webber, senior Dan “Acorn” Reeves and junior Robin “Turf” Walker, Package found themselves in too deep a hole to dig themselves out of. Swearing that a combined team would deliver sweet victory against the black-clad warriors from Athens, Package went under 15-4.

“It was like in book four of The Wheel of Time, when the evil forces surround… wait, are you writing this down?” first year Adam “Foxy Cleopatra” Vogel said.

Package held their heads up and pointed their equipment in a new direction, heading to another field to play the Club regional champions Burn, made up of almost all of the best Ultimate players Ohio schools have ever produced. The Burn players proved too experienced, talented and smart for Package. Despite a great defensive play in the end zone by Brian “Protect Your HEAD!!!” Block on the first point, Burn neatly, efficiently, almost effortlessly and even nicely hit Package where it hurts most and sent them home with something between their legs, 15-0.

Unwilling to call it a day, Package headed over to the far field to watch their better half take on the University of Dayton. Not the elite team they had been a few years ago under the leadership of Matt “Chunk’s Daddy” Poole, Dayton was made up of young yet salty players. Every huck they put up that got D’d, often by junior Will “Whipper” Miller, sophomore Ted “Show it to Me” Olds and first year sensation Lee “who says I’m short?” Rubenstein, would result in a contested foul call and be sent back to the thrower. Nonetheless Dayton caught enough hucks to go up 11-9, game capped at 13. Unit came right back, marched down the field and scored in response. After a good downwind pull Oberlin threw a nasty zone D and Degnan, playing wing, made his ridiculous layout pancake catch to tie the game. With both Package and Unit erupting in orgasmic celebration Unit clamped down and administered the coup de gras on the ill-spirited Ghetto Force, winning 13-12.

The third place teams in the A and B pools would have to play each other to determine who would go to the quarterfinals and who would drop down to the championship. This pitted Package and Unit in a junk grudge match. Deciding to use the game as a practice the ’Cows rested before starting a game to eight. After three points of very sloppy play, senior co-captain James “Superknee” Burris called timeout and talked to both teams. Package came back, scored its first point of the game and started playing much smarter. The more intense play was not without cost however, as sophomore Gabe “Flash” McCormick went down after re-spraining his ankle.

“It’s a small price I paid for putting foot to ass for my team,” reflected McCormick as he sat fondling an ice bag.

Finding themselves down 7-6, game point for Unit, Package showed who was the bigger team by breaking Unit’s zone with a series of huge swings, culminating in a cross-field throw to junior Noah “Is this ever going to heal?” Hoskins-Forsyth. At 7-7, game point for both sides, Unit squandered the received pull and Webber broke the mark for a weak side score, ending the contest. Team and individual play, both good and bad, was discussed and the teams combined for a game against Cuyahoga Sheet Metal, the Cleveland area club team.

The tired ’Cows put up a good fight but in the end Sheet Metal was just too good and defeated Oberlin 13-6 in an excellent-spirited game. Everyone lined up to break the rookies of both teams in with the “gauntlet of death,” a challenge that, with enough prods at people’s manhood, several Horsecalves took up.

“We did not emerge unscathed, but we ran with honor,” declared junior rookie Paul “Venus” Caseley.

Facing the prospect of another night at the Econolodge, which had proved to be far too much Econo and not enough Lodge for comfort the previous night, in return for only one game per team the next day, the ’Cows headed North to catch the end of the parties and prepare for next week’s tournament hosted by Carleton and St. Olaf colleges in Minnesota.

Robin Walker is a member of the men’s ultimate frisbee team, the Flying Horsecows.

September 27
October 4

site designed and maintained by jon macdonald and ben alschuler :::