Body Slams and Pile Drivers: One Man’s Story
BY JACOB KRAMER-DUFFIELD

Why do we watch sports? Think about this for a second, it’s not as easy a question as it might first appear. A lot of us watch a particular sport because we have, at one time or another, played that sport ourselves and therefore appreciate the skill of professional athletes –– I love watching Phil Mickleson’s wedge play because I know I’ll never be able to hit a golf shot like that. 

But that’s not the only reason we watch; if a sheer demonstration of talent were the lone qualification for something’s attention-worthiness, Mikhail Baryshnikov would be selling out the Meadowlands and the Backstreet Boys would be sweating through the Florida summers in Goofy suits. No, there’s something else there that compels us to watch and to care: the style of the thing, the human drama. Which is why you’re lying to yourself if you don’t love pro wrestling.

I know what some (maybe most) of you are thinking right now: wrestling isn’t a sport, what the hell are you doing writing about it in the sports section? Well, it’s not a sport, exactly; for pay-per-view tax purposes, the WWF fessed up some years ago that the matches are fixed and that it’s actually sports entertainment. But pro wrestling has all the best elements of sports, save the “any given Sunday” unpredictability. It has a brash, in-your-face style that’s pretty irresistible, (at least for a few months — but then, who really watches the NBA from November to June straight through?) It has trash talking (written by former Conan O’Brien writers, mostly) that puts any pro league to shame. And it has human drama (again, courtesy of those writers) that puts any and every soap opera (and most network series) to shame. Just watching and listening to Kurt Angle is worth giving up your Thursday evening.
And there are big things happening in pro wrestling right now. The long battle between Vince McMahon’s WWF, the league that first brought wrestling to the big time, and Ted Turner’s upstart WCW, which along with the WWF made it a phenomenon, is over, and the WWF has won. This was not always a forgone conclusion; in the late ’90s, the WCW was flexing its financial guns and cherry-picking the WWF’s big established stars (Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Lex Luger –– the guys we grew up watching Saturday afternoons). 
For a while, it eclipsed the WWF in popularity, but Vince McMahon was too smart to just get muscled out by big money. He invested not in aging talent but in good writers and high production values (with their editing, it almost looks like they’re actually hitting each other!) He brought in a raft of unknowns and made them stars: the Rock, Mankind, Steve Austin and the like. Ask any wrestling fan who’s watched in the last five years, and these will be the stars that they name, not the over-the-hill gang from WCW. Turner was unable to adjust as quickly as McMahon, and the big contracts of oldsters and generally low production values of the league have been a slow drain on the league for the last several years. So when the WWF announced several weeks ago that it was buying the WCW, few on either Wall Street or eWrestling.com were surprised. 

In the plot of the WWF, the WCW is now being set up as a rival league run by Vince McMahon’s son, Shane, who has long been a major actor in the drama, along with his sister Stephanie. I’ll spare you any further plot summary or analysis, though. It would probably make me look a little pathetic and definitely make you stop reading, if you still are.

But seriously, the WWF is for real, even if it isn’t. The moves may be planned, but they’re still cool to watch. Think of it as ballet with 240-pound men and a little more homoeroticism. The drama may be ridiculous, but aren’t all human affairs a little ludicrous? Now that I think about it, wrestling is really just an allegory for the modern lives we all lead, in this…well, that’s a stretch. But it’s pretty freakin’ hilarious, especially with a few Pabsts in your belly. And it’s only going to get better. I sure as hell know where I’ll be on Monday and Thursday nights this summer.

NBA Rant: If the Academy Can Do It, Why Can’t We?

There’s nobody coming out of the East who stands a chance.
There’s nobody in the West who can take the Lakers.
Ah, the good old days…back before the 2000-01 NBA season began. I personally started tuning out every TV sportscaster (well, except Kenny Mayne. I like him. He’s funny) when it became clear that no one really knew what to expect from pro basketball this year.
That’s unfair to say. Plenty of people knew what to expect, or what might happen. But this was the year of clinging to absolute statements made before the season began up till’ (and sometimes past) the point where the evidence just could not be denied. It took the 76ers holding the best record in the league through midseason for many writers to even list them as on par with Dallas or the Suns. And let’s not forget the utter conviction of those claiming the Nuggets would have a playoff contender after Antonio McDyess had his huge games for Team USA. 
But I digress. So what (as readers of my columns past always asked) is your point? Simple: with the season just days away from completion, it would be foolish for me to predict anything given the media’s track record this year. So instead, with time on my hands and a willingness to toss off flippant remarks, and with the power vested in me by no particular authority, I’ll proudly present the First Annual Oberlin Review NBA Pre-Postseason Awards with your lovely host, Kenny Mayne.
Our first award goes to the person or persons who seemed to have such an elegantly simple plan laid out, only to see it crumble before their eyes. Of course, we all know about the best laid plans of mice and men — they both tend to involve cheese. Anyway, our first award of the evening is the ‘Damn That Sucks’ Award, presented to Doc Rivers and the Orlando Magic management. 
After pulling and hauling a team of nobodies within one game of the playoffs last season, Doc deservingly accepted Coach of the Year honors. Add free agents Grant Hill and “T-Mac” Tracy McGrady to the mix and things were looking lovely. But management couldn’t seal the deal on a much needed post presence (Tim Duncan decided to remain in San Antonio) and the draft, as usual, was thin on quality big men. Their resulting balance problems can be illustrated here: Hill’s season-ending ankle injury actually helped the team — they no longer had to deal with a logjam at the small forward position.
Our second award of the night is a new one. The Best Use of the Phrase ‘Yay Capitalism!’ is presented to Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks. Cushioned seats for the players on the bench, a team nutritionist on the chartered flights, flat screen TVs in every locker… You can argue that it’s the breakout years of Nowitski and Nash and the consistent play of Fin and the rest of the crew that’s carried this team to where they are now, but any red blooded American knows it’s the cold, hard cash.
Incidentally, Cuban is also being honored tonight with the Review’s Statesperson of the Year award since the dot-com billionaire negotiates with China better than Dubya. 
If you would now direct your attention to the big screen, we’ll show a few clips from tonight's only nominee for Best Impersonation of a Made for TV Movie (the Miami Heat). Fade up on a team in the depths of despair. Their star player is out for the season with a career and life-threatening kidney disorder. Their floor general is showing more than a few rust spots — mostly in his knees. And their coach, a man who inspired the entire city of L.A. to invest in hair oil, is about to have his first losing month in 19 seasons of coaching the sport. 
Fast forward to a few weeks before the season ends. The supposedly stagnant East is becoming more interesting — and more threatening to the skidding West — every day. Hardaway, Majerle and A.C. Green are picking themselves up and dusting themselves off for one more run. And — wait! Who is that staggering out of the locker room, eyes locked on the court, back far sooner than doctors thought humanly possible? It’s Zo! The crowd cheers, Brian Grant relinquishes his starting role and the world is safe for another N.Y.-Miami brawl. I smell Sunday evening paydirt. Oh, and sign Mark Harmon to play Riles.
And now, the Biggest Surprise of the Evening: the fact that I’m not wearing any pants.
Moving on. In this age of free agency and temperamental stars, it becomes harder and harder to find the Most Mutually Beneficial Trade of the season. In a narrow field, the Feb. 22 deal between Philly and Atlanta takes home the trophy. Philly got exactly what they needed — a healthy inside presence who is not Matt Geiger.

Atlanta, meanwhile are making out like bandits, especially if they can convince Toni Kukoc to stick around for a while. With the Panther in their lineup the Hawks’ assists-per-game jumped by over three assists a contest. Meanwhile Theo Ratliff will be healthy next season and ready to pick up where he left off.
We would now like to pause for a few advertisements, but the owners voted to abolish commercials along with the illegal defense in order to keep the games moving more quickly.
Back into the fray: We have a tie for Best Production of Mutiny on the Bounty. Despite the Seattle Sonics success in actually removing their coach, one has to give credit to the Nuggets for their unified front and ability to gain better media coverage than OPIRG. Seattle’s Gary Payton receives a special commendation for his portrayal of Fletcher Christian under not one but two Captains.
Heading into the home stretch, we’d just like to remind you to purchase products and services endorsed by Michael Jordan, thus fueling the endless cycle of speculation that His Airness might return to the court.
Speaking of the man who would be king, MJ is this year’s recipient of the special jury prize for Miracle Making. Stopping just short of water to wine, Jordan managed to free up cap room and cut dead weight from the Wizards’ bloated roster. In the span of a month, Jordan cut, traded or restructured virtually every problem on the Wizards’ roster from Rod Strickland to Felipe Lopez. The Juwan Howard to Dallas deal was the last stroke in a masterpiece that, while it doesn’t push the Wiz into playoff contention, does wonders for the city’s morale. After all, they used to have a goalie named Jim Carey and now have a president whose life’s dream is to appear beside the actual Jim Carey.
Our Cheap Joke award goes to that last one. Thank you (sniff) I had no idea... I’m so honored.
Now, just to make sure we don’t finish on time, here’s a musical presentation by Allen Iverson.
We’ll wrap this year’s show up with a consolation prize: the Ol’ College Try Award, presented to the player or coach who, despite failing miserably, gave it the old college try. This year’s winner: Tim Floyd of the Chicago Bulls. You made the best of a bad situation Tim. Now go give it the ol’ college try at college. 
You’ll like it. The players won’t try and get you fired, there are no creepy agents, and the media...well...
G’night folks.