In The Locker Room With...

The Lonely Kicker and Mullet Boy

Okay, so yeah, they’ve already been in the locker room, but juniors Bob Montag and David Smolev seem to have a a knack for getting attention. After all, Smolev plays 23 sports at Oberlin, and Montag has been through as many surgeries, so why not give them one more go around?

Bob and Dave, why should you guys be interviewed again?

DS: It’s Wednesday night and we live down the hall from you. Why do you think?

[Sigh] Deadlines...
Have you guys ever been in a fight in a game?

DS: Which one?
BM: That’s why Thiel canceled our game Wednesday. They were afraid.
DS: B.W. [Baldwin-Wallace College] is afraid of the Plague.

You guys aren’t really hard asses are you?

DS: Bob’s more of a slut.
[Bob hits Dave]

Do you think the lacrosse or baseball teams should have cheerleaders?

DS: I think I am the baseball cheerleader.
BM: I think Dave should play baseball so we can have a cheerleader on the team.
DS: What about [first-year pitcher] Rob Smith?
BM: Yeah, he’s already got the mouth and is small enough to fit into a cheerleading uniform.

He’s going to be pretty pissed you said that, isn’t he?

BM: What is he going to do, bench press me?
DS: Rob’s a slut.

Dave, is it true that teammate [junior] Mike Wexler foams at the mouth while he plays lacrosse?

DS: Yeah, and you should have seen his Jew-fro today.
BM: He kind of looks like Dustin Diamond.

Wow. Anyway, how were your Spring Breaks?

BM: It was outstanding.
DS: Our spring Break was kind of like Cancun. We got lost in a casino and at some point in the night we found ourselves walking from the Fantastique Massage Parlor.
BM: I want to go back.

So Bob, are you going to wear a baseball cap on the sidelines when you punt next year for the football team?

BM: [A tear runs down his cheek] Yes.

So as the lacrosse goalie and baseball catcher, you both catch a lot of balls, huh?

DS: Well, I more or less get shelled by them.
BM: It’s my duty as a Yeoman.

Dave, didn’t you recently undergo a painful injury?

DS: Yeah, there was this one time [sophomore lacrosse player] Pete [Dybdahl] devistated my left nut.
BM: Well, I took one for the team just today.

What’s with the hair Dave?

DS: I am grooming it into a mullet.

Do you guys have girlfriends?

DS: Girls don’t like me anymore.
BM: Don’t lie. They never have.

Why not?

DS: I think it’s because of the mullet.

Are you playa’s?

BM: Don’t hate the playa’, hate the game.
DS: I already told you, Bob’s a slut.

Dave, did you crash your computer because you were looking at porn?
DS: Okay, first of all, it was over spring break, and it wasn’t porn-related. Bob just farted.

Yeah, change the subject. Are you guys going to Drag Ball?

DS: Hell yeah. I might just wear my cup.
BM: Go Penguins!

What? Um, so Bob, you hit recently hit a home run?

BM: Chicks dig the long ball.
DS: [Showing his knowledge of biology] You know, large testicles are a sign of retardination.
[Bob pulls some hair from Dave’s mullet]

So are you guys done ripping on Wexler?

BM: Yeah, he’s probably going to kill me and he doesn’t even know me.

Are you an Oberlin athlete, dedicated fan or an athletic guru who feels you are interesting and would like to be interviewed? Get some balls and e-mail sports editor Zach at Zachary.Pretzer@oberlin.edu.