Some Lessons on Porches/ing

To the Editor:

One of the best things about my house (I live in Tank) is the porch. It’s wide and wraps around from the front, facing the street, off to the right hand side. A lot of people live in Tank so chances are, at any point between noon and nine, someone will be on the porch. This fact is known to presumably all of my housemates thus when one of them says, “I’m gonna study on the porch,” they are really saying, “I don’t feel like studying.”
They will then proceed to the porch, book in hand, and socialize with the possibility of smoking marijuana. 
Because of my affection for this porch (and porches in general) I present to you: 
The Key Elements to Porch Success!

1) Chairs –– The last thing someone wants to do on their relax time is sniff mounds of raw meat left in the sun. The second to the last thing someone wants to do is stand. So get some chairs or stools or sofas or benches or A SWING.
a) Porch Swings –– These things are great: the gentle rocking motion; the dangling of the feet; the hilarity that will inevitably ensue when a drunken fatass proves to be too much weight for the rusty chain which will snap and send him/her/shim/sher smacking against the porch’s wooden floor. Also porch swings can create instant romance (between consenting adults) no matter what time of day or night. Wouldn’t you love to rock gently with your sweetheart after a refreshing lunch or under the stars just before the two of you retire to separate bedrooms?

2) Music –– Did somebody say “boombox”? Me. I did. Well you’re right little Johnny. My name is Jenny. Oh good Lord!… Well you’re right, Jenny. If you’ve got a porch, you need a boombox playing your favorite tunes. My mom says Britney Spears is a whore. May I suggest a Tom Jones collection or mayhaps a sampling from the Abba catalog. What’s a non-sequitor? Oh, Jenny, do you know what “meta” means?

3) Aesthetically pleasing surroundings –– Porch life is starin’ life. If you’re gonna be porchin’ it, you’re gonna need a purdy view. Often a sidewalk or street is an effective tool: people passing are fun to look at. But my porch is in the back of my house. If a back porch is your bane, get a pair of binoculars. Your neighbors are trashy and have interesting family squabbles. These squabbles need spectators. But spying on my neighbor is immoral. That’s what they said about chocolate covered infants but I still say you can’t make a better dessert. It’s either you see your neighbors domestic disputes now or you wait until the weekly Cops marathon on Fox. My way is cheaper than buying a TV and almost as realistic.

4) Warm Weather –– Porch sitting can become tedious when the sitter has issues with freezing to death. My suggestion, if it’s cold outside, make your own warm weather. This can be easily accomplished with a pack of matches and a few common household items (newspaper, lighter fluid, table legs, pets).
Follow these simple guidelines/suggestions and you too can be well on your way to enjoying what the French call la lifa un porche (literally “the life on the porch”).

Note: The author does not speak French nor does he claim to. Okay he claims to but he’s obviously an idiot.

–Mike Connor
College sophomore