A Nice Walk Through Tappan

To the Editor:

I apologize in advance for the banal nature of this letter. It contains no thinly veiled “anti-you” rant nor does it denounce group “x” as the root of all the evil in the world. If this distresses you, then let me put your mind at ease: You suck. Hardcore. Better? Good. Now that that’s out of the way....
I went for a walk this past Saturday evening through Tappan Square since it was such a beautiful night. Cutting across the grass (I don’t follow the beaten path –– guess that makes me a true Obie?) I passed by the firepit near Barnes and Noble (how that tickles me!) and noticed that it was still smoking. There were glowing red embers strewn about that looked like they could flare up at any time. 
Now I’m not much of an environmentalist, but I do believe that “only you can prevent forest fires.” Maybe I’m just more susceptible to government propaganda (such as Smokey the Bear) and so I believe that junk (It must be propaganda, because everything the government tells us is lies, right?). So I called Security and notified them, pleased that in my own little way, I AM changing the world.
At any rate, if you’re taking back the night, holding a religious ceremony or simply enjoy playing with fire, please make sure that you have totally extinguished the conflagration (ooh! Big word) before you leave. I would not want to have to wake up to a fire on Tappan Square. Fires piss me off [say this with an Eric Cartman voice for full effect].

Thank you for your time. I hope that we can continue to have constructive dialogue about this most sensitive topic. (Read: I furiously proclaim my point of view louder and louder without listening to you until eventually you cave in.) Boy, I’m cynical. It’ll be nice to leave here for a year. Good luck on exams and have a titillating summer.

–Neil Broadley
College sophomore